Hello, Blog World!
I realize I haven’t
said anything in a month. There’s a
reason for that. Perhaps it’s that I’ve
started a dozen blog entries in my head and keep forgetting to put them on
paper. Perhaps it’s that my emotions
change every couple of hours, so after I do get an entry started, it doesn’t
seem pertinent anymore once I have time to complete it later that day. Perhaps it’s that I don’t know what to
say. Perhaps it’s that I’ve been
enjoying my month trying to pretend that our journey to obtain a baby is going
precisely as we had planned. [Sense the
sarcasm.] Perhaps it’s that I don’t want
to focus completely on my grief in this blog.
Perhaps it’s that I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, even though it’s
my blog, and I should be able to say whatever I want. J Perhaps it’s a little of all of these things. Or perhaps I’m just lazy. Let’s go with that.
Regardless of the
reason, I have a list of blog entries I would like to write over the next
several weeks. First, though, I’m going
to start with an article that I didn’t write.
Good way to get going, again, huh?
I got this from a new blog friend, Kacy, at www.1stcomesloveblog.wordpress.com. I’ll be writing more about Kacy later. I have only read a few of her blog entries
thus far, and I admire her positivity through her journey with
infertility. She and I have a lot of
similarities, I think, but at this point in our journeys, we are almost polar
opposites on our attitudes. Like I said,
I admire her.
Anyway, this is an
article she posted that I feel is awesome.
It’s full of information that I wish I could have put together
myself. I think that all of my friends
that have dealt with infertility would carry this article on their shoulders
while singing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.”
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Infertility
Etiquette
Chances are, you know
someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of
childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a
society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support
for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed,
a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved
one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies,
he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead.
You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this
person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility
is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they
may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s
nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby
will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves
for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad
news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This
process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep
cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into
infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The
tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the
doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a
lot of money.
A couple will eventually
resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility
treatments and choose to live without children.
- They will find an alternative way to
parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution
can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during
this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the
wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones.
Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don’t Tell
Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone
who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.”
Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not
infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they
have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most
infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have
tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t
infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as “just
relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile
couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something
wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem
preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also
reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two
surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking
and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If
you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical
problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples
will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure
medical infertility.
Don’t
Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a
baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families
with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three
children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the
silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings
into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to
experience the same joy.
Comments like, “Just
enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort.
Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing
their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that
he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. (Excellent
advice, per Laura. J) Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin
to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein,
being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who
desperately wants a child.
Don’t Say
There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines,
don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going
through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could
happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die?
Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react
to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his
whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury
the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to
become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a
younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in
life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the
“worst” thing that could happen.
People wouldn’t dream of
telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your
parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than
comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going
through worse things than infertility.
Don’t Say
They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest
things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a
mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother
that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of
divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies
that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up
neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe
it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical
condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don’t Ask
Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization
(IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then
combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can
produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?”
in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at
another store?”
Don’t Be
Crude
It is appalling that I
even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t
make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like
“I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the
insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don’t
Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for
pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends.
Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend
cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she
has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things
you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is
DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when
you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of
discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every
right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put
your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend
would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because
those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a
pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly
throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a
pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would
cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”
I managed to go to baby
showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard.
Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s
emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she
cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her
time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her
way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing
to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes
about how much your friendship means to her.
Don’t Treat
Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some
people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic
about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several
people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how
much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let’s face it-no one can
fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are,
themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one
month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby
does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people
who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think
about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of
babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what
fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream”
about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our
fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in
public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies
are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can
give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don’t Gossip
About Your Friend’s Condition
Infertility treatments
are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo
these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people
know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about
infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are
usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about
infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you
are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your
friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm
count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that
should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your
friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t
authorized.
Don’t Push
Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful
way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully
vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before
they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the
decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that
baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose. Adoption social workers recognize the
importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial
adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to
adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your
biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut
one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to
grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The
adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So,
the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a
biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and
some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a
baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and
it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in
passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me
comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption,
you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your
friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop
it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue
herself.
So, what can you say to your
infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing
you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself.
It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen
the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them
Know That You Care
The best thing you can
do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them
cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for
them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one.
Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and
lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.
Remember
Them on Mother’s Day
With all of the activity
on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers.
Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get
away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons
devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with
your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother’s Day is an
important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it
was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile
friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking
of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.
Support
Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure
infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an
agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple
chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who
would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.
Once the couple has made
the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them
to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice.
Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt
a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their
lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.
