This is the journey we have embarked upon to bring another Provence baby into this world. We hope you enjoy reading! Life is not always fair, but it's still good.
After our first failed cycle last May, our friend, Carri,
told us we would be having our WTH Appointment.Basically, this is the meeting with the doctor to figure out what the
heck went wrong during the cycle.Well,
ironically enough, when TFC books this appointment and puts it on your portal,
it says “IVF FU Appointment.”Now, if
that isn’t irony, I don’t know what is.(By the way, FU stands for follow-up.Personally, I think the doctors at TFC have a sense of humor.)
We had our WTH/FU appointment on Wednesday.Dr. McKinney spent at least 45 minutes
talking to us.It was wonderful, if you
ask me.Todd and I left there with all
of our questions answered.
Basically, she said that we have a lot working against us
with my eggs being old and in low reserve and Todd’s sperm being immature.She said that there might just be an awesome
month that hits sometime, or we may never get quality embryos.This is where God comes in the window, and
science flies right out.
Also, Embryo 3.0 that we had hoped to transfer the Thursday before
was only at a morula phase, which is the phase before blastocyst.It has to reach blastocyst before they will
transfer, so if we hadn’t done the genetic testing, they would have made us
wait until Friday to see if it developed any further.
If we hadn’t done the testing, chances would have been that
it could have developed to blastocyst
stage by Friday, we would have transferred, and it wouldn’t have worked because
it was so chromosomally abnormal.It
could have even been a perfect looking blast, but we now know it was too
abnormal to lead to a viable pregnancy.(Even perfect-looking embryos can be chromosomally abnormal, and you
don’t know it until you do the genetic test.)
In the end, she was telling us that we wasted our money on
the genetic testing on this cycle.She
probably won’t recommend we do the testing next cycle, either.
During our WTH/FU, she started talking to us about donor
eggs, donor sperm, adoption, etc.We
have discussed the idea of adoption.However, we have always ruled out donor eggs/sperm for personal
reasons.Everything is back on the
table, but it’s something I don’t want to discuss just yet.Right now, I want to concentrate on finding
ways to make the best eggs possible for this next cycle.If that doesn’t work, we have a backup plan
that still does not involve donor eggs/sperm or adoption; it involves a doctor
in St. Louis.I’m praying that we don’t
need our backup plan.
As for the next cycle, we found out that we will have our
baseline ultrasound on October 22.(My
stomach turned flips when I saw the dates.Suddenly, it was “so real.”That’s
for you, Todd.)I can speculate as to
when my other appointments will be, but they are just guesses.All of it will depend on what my body
does.I won’t even know when we start
the stim shots until the day of the baseline ultrasound.
She is going to change my shot protocol some, so we are crossing
our fingers that it works.Based on my
best calculations, this could raise our costs for meds by about $1600.Ugh.
Overall, I’m kind of a nervous wreck.Todd left town for an 8-day business trip on
Friday.My anxiety pulled into town with
a U-Haul on Sunday.I set a last-minute
appointment for acupuncture this afternoon.I’m grateful he could squeeze me in because I need to try something!
If you happen to see me in the next few weeks and I seem to be talking to myself, don't worry about me; I'm just praying.J
There is an alley at work that I use to get to and from my
car.I have been using this alley for
over two-and-a-half years.I have walked
through it well over 1,000 times.
Until this week, this alley was just an alley to me.It wasn’t until I returned back to work this
week that it dawned on me that this alley now had new meaning.
When I returned to work this week, I entered the alley and had an overwhelming sense of failure and disappointment...from beginning to end.
This is the alley where I sat
when Claudia called to tell me that I was pregnant, but the beta number was so
low that I shouldn’t get my hopes up too much.
This is the alley where I bent down to hear Mary Kathryn tell me that we
had lost the pregnancy.
This is the
alley where I leaned against the wall and Dr. McKinney proceeded to explain to
me how both of our embryos were not viable for transfer.
This is the alley where I called Todd three
times to tell him that the news wasn’t good.
It was fortunate that it took so long for the significance
to dawn on me, that it didn't happen with the first bad news last year.It is unfortunate that I can’t
help but think about it each day when I walk through it, now.
I won’t be brought down, though.I take a deep breath, enter the alley, and
pray…from beginning to end.
Thank you, God, for the opportunities you have given to us
and the strength you are giving to me.Amen
After our
first cycle failed, my good friend, Ashleigh, sent me this poem that she had
started reciting for me before we received the news:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord their souls to keep
And if they should die before she wakes
I pray thee Lord their souls to take
And if they should live for other days
I pray the Lord will guide their ways.
This was
one of those messages from a friend that just about took you to your
knees. I cried. Todd cried.
I don’t know if I have thought about
this prayer since that week. It’s not
because I didn't love it because it’s one of the most amazing combinations of
simple words that I have ever heard.
For some
reason, I thought about it today. I was
headed home from work to be with Todd, and it came to my mind. I already knew the fate of our two embabies,
but I still needed to rest assured that I had asked God to care for their sweet
souls for us.
This day
was perfectly planned. I was going to go
to work for a couple of hours. Then, I
was going to go have an acupuncture session because there are some studies that show…yada, yada, yada. I would run
by the house, wash my face of make-up (none allowed in the operating room at
TFC), hop in the car with Todd, change clothes on the way, and arrive at TFC
for our 12:15 “transfer talk” with Dr. McKinney. Transfer would start at 1pm…and hopefully no
later because I was nervous about having to hold a full bladder for very long.
God had a
different plan.
One the way to work, "Say Something" came on my radio, and I hesitantly listened. At the end of the song, I realized that it didn't give me the awful, drowning, "our dream is ending" feeling that it used to give me. I actually thought to myself how much I have grown in the last 9 months. (Ironic that it's been 9 months.)
Right
around 9am, I was doing a happy dance with two coworkers because I was getting
“knocked up” today. (It’s funnier to say
it that way.) So, there we were
celebrating when my phone began to vibrate.
When I saw it was Dr. McKinney’s office, I immediately assumed they had
forgotten to tell us something. When I
answered and heard Dr. McKinney’s voice, I immediately assumed that this wasn't going to end well.
Embaby
2.0 had stopped dividing. Basically, he had discontinued growing, which is what they call “arresting.” Embaby 3.0 had more than 50% abnormal
chromosomes. She began reading off
everything that was wrong with him, and I started to wonder if there was
anything that was okay with him.
She
continued with a lot of statistics about how 70-80% of all embryos are
chromosomally abnormal, and I began wondering where they come up with these
statistics. If one couple has 70%
abnormal chromosomes, and another couple has 80% abnormal chromosomes, on
average, 75% of chromosomes are abnormal, right? Why would they say 70-80%? It’s just such a strange way to put it. Then, I realized that I was analyzing
something ridiculous. This is what my
brain does, though. When scared, flee
towards the numbers. (I’m an
Engineer. You can’t blame me.)
The
bottom line is that I have always hated statistics because it’s not mathematics…it’s
too grey. Today, I realized a new level
of hatred that I have towards it.
I was telling Todd last night that I really thought this was going to be the cycle to round everything out. We have now had 6, 9, and 12 eggs retrieved (not in that order). In the same order of cycles, though, we had 1, 2, and 3 eggs transferred (if we had made it to transfer today). "Third time is the charm." I think there were some other silly things, but I wanted this to be it.
We have now had a cycle end with a chemical pregnancy (miscarriage), one with no implantation, and one with no transfer. I think we have covered the main categories except full-term, viable pregnancy. Am I right?!
That
being said, Todd and I are doing fine.
We had planned to spend the last half of our day cuddled up on the couch
watching funny TV shows/movies/comedians…whatever we could find that would make
us laugh. Oddly enough, we are going to
spend the last half of our day doing just that, plus maybe a glass of wine and
some sushi.
It seems
that we are getting better at having failed cycles. And it kind of sucks. Oh, and Embaby 3.0 was a little girl.
My college friend, Stephanie, nicknamed our embabies today:Embaby 2.0 and Embaby 3.0.I love it!
Yes, you read that right.On the third day, God answered our prayers and strengthened one of our
embabies.We have moved from 2.0 and 2.5
grades to 2.0 and 3.0.Of course, Embaby
2.0 is still too weak to be transferred tomorrow, but Embaby 3.0 is getting
closer and closer to be considered “thriving.”I love my embabies and couldn’t be more excited that they are both still
alive.
Within the very near future, we should receive a phone call from our nurse to tell us what time our
transfer appointment will be tomorrow.When we arrive tomorrow, they will inform us of the results of the
genetic testing.At that time, Todd and I
will have about 45 minutes to decide what to do with the embabies.
Now, it must seem that we have put so much time and effort
and money into this process, so we would obviously transfer whatever they will
allow.Ha!Oh if only it were that easy.Our first two cycles were that easy.Not this cycle.
Tomorrow, we could find out that our embabies are
chromosomally abnormal.Then, we will
have to decide what to do at that point.Here are the options for abnormality (as I can remember them):
·They are abnormal in a way that it will be
impossible for them to become a viable pregnancy.
·They are abnormal in a way that will result in miscarriage.
·They are abnormal in a way that will cause the child
to be disabled, i.e., Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, etc.
·They are abnormal in a way that is unknown what
will happen.
They could also be completely chromosomally normal.
Todd and I have discussed how we will handle each of
these.It’s not an easy decision to
make.Everyone has different opinions,
too, but you have to decide what is best for your family.
This is just another of a long line of decisions in
infertility.I still remember when we
first had to decide what we would do with frozen embryos in the case that we
divorced or one of us passed away.WHAT?!Yep, you have to think
about those things and sign paperwork stating your decisions before you even
start IVF.In case you’re curious, we
would have donated our embryos, but again, that’s a very personal decision that
isn’t easy for anyone to make.
Anyway, we are thrilled to have our babies alive and
well.We cannot wait to see what happens
tomorrow.I hope each of you are having
as blessed of a day as we are!
Two blog entries in one day?!In the defense of myself and proof that “I do
actually work,” I would like to mention that I wrote the first one yesterday and
just didn’t get to tweak it for publishing until today.This one was all today, though.
I have a friend from college named Ashleigh.She has made an appearance on my blog since
sometime before my first IVF cycle last May.She usually leaves comments that will blow your socks off with kindness,
creativity, humor, or a combination of all three.
Well, today we were emailing, and she got me off on a
tangent that was almost like an epiphany for me.I knew I was having a problem with this
issue, but I was unable to put it into words until that moment.For the sake of my sanity and my clarity, I want
to admit this on my blog, to all 10 of my faithful blog followers.J(Crud, since Ashleigh already read this in an
email, this is only an admission to nine of you.Oh, well.)
So here it is.
I’m struggling to imagine that this cycle is going to work,
now.And it’s breaking.my.heart!!
I know we aren’t out, but we’ve been here before.In the past, it hasn’t led to pregnancy.That doesn’t mean this one won’t, though, and
I know that.I want to start imagining that I’m going to get pregnant.
The part that kills me is that I have such a good
imagination usually.I can actually play
out an entire scenario in my head.For
instance, I have daydreamed about losing a loved one.(Really more like a “daymare” than a
daydream, but I don’t think that’s a word.)I can actually envision all of it happening to the point that I have
emotional pain from it.
However, for the life of me, I can’t get my brain to imagine
this cycle working.It’s like I’m trying
so hard that my brain is being defiant.It sucks.I just want to have all
of the happy dreams in my head to go along with the happiness I’m showing on
the outside.
I do have 100% complete faith that God has control of this
and will do what’s best for me.However,
I’m just struggling to imagine it will be in this cycle.
I haven’t completely given up.I’m not throwing in the towel.I’ve starting praying that God will allow me
to imagine success at the end of this week.
I’m trying really, really hard to just keep it together
today.I’m at that point in this process
where I am so sick and tired of spending minutes or hours or days upset over
this stuff.I think it’s obvious that
mourning is necessary and healing.However, it can also be mind-numbing and all-consuming.I need a break from it, so I have made the
conscious effort to find the happiness in all of this.The problem is that about every hour or so, I
have to find the happiness, again.
I’ll keep doing it, though.I need to.I want to.I want this to be a happy experience, even if
the outcome is not what we had hoped. Being happy and positive is more fun for me.
Now, I just need to figure out how to get my imagination on
board.
*********************************
On a side note, Mom and I talked today after I received another message from a different college friend, Casey. We decided this was going to be our new tagline for our baby. Casey told me that our pastor uses this, and she does with her miracle baby, too.
"When God decided to create you, he said,
'Watch this. I'm really going to show off now!'"
*****This entry
turned out to be a lot longer than I had
planned.I wish I had written a little
each day this weekend, but I had other things on my mind…as you’re about to
find out.*****
How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this"? How many times have you given me strength to Just keep breathing? Oh I need you God, I need you now.
This has easily been five of the strangest days of my
life.I have never felt more like I was
on a rollercoaster than I have since Friday.
(I have awesome…and I mean awesome!...stories of support and
love that started Friday night.However,
they were so out-of-this-world that I have chosen that I will write about them
in their own post later...they deserve that kind of attention.At this time, I
want to share the rollercoaster.)
We started our weekend in prayer together.When we got to the doctor’s office Saturday morning, Todd,
Mom, and I held hands, and he prayed.Luckily for me, I wasn’t allowed to wear make-up because I would have
looked like a raccoon.Luckily for Mom,
she’s good at dabbing her eyes without messing up her face.JWe were all in tears…the good, “God is
awesome & will provide for us” tears. We were hopeful and excited.
Our procedures went well on Saturday.The results weren't great, but they were good.They were able to retrieve 6 eggs from me and
approximately 800,000 sperm from Todd.At first, I was a little sad because I was hoping for a few more, but I
quickly was able to remind myself how lucky we were to even retrieve 6.Some women could never dream of having 6 eggs
retrieved at one time, so I sucked up my pity party and began rejoicing.We spent the rest of the day on cloud 9.It may or may not have been a
hydrocodone-induced cloud 9, but we were there.JTodd and I were both elated that things went
so well and that we were home quickly to recover.(Remember that our first two cycles required an hour-and-a-half drive
home from Oklahoma City in order to recover in our haven.)Mom spent the day with us on Saturday, which
will be more detailed in another entry later.
The next morning, I awoke and headed to Sonic to pick-up
breakfast for myself and my horizontal husband.While I was waiting for it to be delivered, I thought I would check my
portal to see if there was an update on our embabies.To my surprise, there was!To my dismay, it was less than
admirable.One of our eggs was not
mature enough to be injected, and 3 of them did not survive.We had suddenly gone from 6 eggs to 2
embryos.I was heartbroken.Sitting there in the Sonic parking lot, my
wind had been knocked out of me.I
suddenly wished I was home in Todd’s arms.
For the next couple of hours, we went from sobbing tears
(mostly me) to thanking God that we had 2 still alive.We spent time together doing a Bible study
from my favorite infertility devotional (thanks, Elisha) and in prayer
together.We prayed for our embabies,
for my uterus, and for the knowledge of how to make all of the decisions we
have coming to us this week.Praying
together is one of the most intimate things Todd and I do. I love it!
We had on-and-off visitors for the majority of the day, and
it was a good distraction.(Again, more
on that love in a future post.)
Yesterday morning, we headed to the doctor for bloodwork that I
will also explain later.We had the
opportunity to talk to our IVF coordinator, Amanda.We needed to know if there was a chance we
would be doing a day-3 transfer and if we should still proceed with the genetic
testing.She was very patient and
thoroughly answered all of our questions.
We left there, stopped one more time to pray all together
(Mom was with us again as Todd’s chauffeur), and headed our separate ways.I decided to treat myself to my favorite fast
food MSG breakfast of Whataburger.While I was in the slowest fast food line in all of Oklahoma (if you
have ever been to any Whataburger, you know what I’m talking about), I decided
to check our portal.I think God told me
to do that, so I would have time to lose my mind before I got to work.
The grading scale for our embryos is 1.5, 2.0, 2.5, 3.0,
3.5, 4.0, with 4.0 being the best.Our
two embabies were coming in at a 2.0 and 2.5.This was devastating.I called
Todd and Mom to give them the news and cried and prayed and cried and prayed
the rest of the way to work.(I learned
that our embryos need to be at 2.5 to be considered viable for transfer. They can still improve, though.)
I sent a message to my pastor, Ashley, that visited us Sunday
night because I knew that she would have comforting words for me.Her responses were as follows:
“But I will call on God, and the LORD will rescue me. Morning, noon,
and night I cry out in my distress, and the LORD hears my voice.”~Psalms 55:16-17
It is all in his control. Pray for that to be freeing rather than
restrictive. There is still hope!
Love seeing this lived out through you both. You are a true inspiration
to us all."We can rejoice, too,
when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop
endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character
strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to
disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us
the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."~Romans 5:3-5
That was it.That was
what I needed to hear.
It’s in his control, and that can be freeing or
restrictive.I choose for that to be freeing.I pray for God to give me the peace for that to not be restrictive. It’s up to me how I allow this to work.All I have to do is pray and give it up to
God.I know that’s easier said than
done.Trust me, I know.This is my life and my mind that has to make
these decisions and live with them.It is
absolutely the hardest, and most rewarding, thing I have ever done.
“We can rejoice…when we run into problems and trials.”That is how I have spent the last 5 days.Every piece of news that wasn’t
what we had hoped for, we prayed and rejoiced. God is teaching me something much bigger than I can see right now.
I allowed myself some more tears to try to really get them
out of my system.Then, I changed my
focus.Now, I am concentrating on only
rejoicing.When I start to get down, I
stop and thank God that we still have 2 embabies alive.They may not be thriving at this moment, but
they are alive.
I messaged with one of my friends, Allison, that had her
retrieval this weekend, too.She was
asking if the scores could improve, and at the time, I didn’t know.Her response to me was, “Even if they don't
He is a God of miracles and numbers never mean anything to Him!”I couldn’t have thought of something more
perfect than that.God is bigger than
this process.God is bigger than our
embryologist.God is bigger than this
scoring system.He’s going to do what is
in His plan.
And that’s where it gets difficult for me, again.I start to worry that his plan is “not right
now.”I want Him to be ready for me to
have a baby this time, this cycle.I
want Him to impregnate me this week.But
it may not be in His timing right now.
I will continue to believe, though.I will continue to trust.I will continue to pray.I will continue to leave it up to Him to
decide.
(Funny side note.I was
telling my friend, Ashleigh, about what Allison said about God not caring about
the numbers.Her response:“It's so true - God doesn't care about the
number. Well, I think he cares about Avogadro's number, and maybe pi, and
probably 7 because of the whole creation thing, but otherwise, I don't think he
cares about numbers. :)”That
cracked me up.Ashleigh has a special
way with words.)
After lunch, Amanda, the IVF coordinator, called to tell me
that she and Dr. McKinney spoke.They
needed us to decide within the next 3 hours if we wanted to move forward with
genetic testing.3 HOURS?!?!I was at work.Todd was home, hopefully asleep, but definitely
a little loopy on pain meds, and we had 3 hours to decide.Bouncing buffalos!No pressure, right?I called Todd, we discussed.We weighed the options.We discussed the pros and cons of both.What kinds of items do you discuss when trying
to decide if you should perform genetic testing, you might ask?Well, here are the ones I can remember:
·Is it worth spending the $5,000 when we know that they could all come back normal and basically be a waste?
·What if we fall into that very small percentage
of people that are told their embryos are abnormal when they are actually
normal?
Seriously, my brain has completely shut down the last couple of days, and those
are literally the only two questions I can remember discussing with Todd.You should have caught me on a clearer
day. You get the gist, though. Now, I’m starting to doubt if
either of us were of sound-enough mind to be making decisions like this.
In the end, we decided to tell them to move forward with the
genetic testing.There is a chance that
the embryologist will find that the embryos are too weak or not viable for
genetic testing, and he won’t move forward with them.If he decides they can be tested, though, we
are moving forward with it.
This was a much tougher decision for me than you can
imagine.I have a woman in my life that
talks so negatively about this testing.However, Todd and I have decided it is what is best for us and our
family.
I prayed one more time that this was the right decision and
sent the email to Amanda.Her response
to me was, “Whatever you decide, is the "right" decision.”Now, we just have to wait and see what happens.
As for some other questions I have been asked today, here
are answers:
1.The results of our genetic testing will be
available on Thursday when we arrive for our transfer.
2.We will probably not freeze these embryos
because I don’t believe they will be strong enough to survive a freeze and
thaw.Therefore, we will do a fresh
transfer, if the embryos are chromosomally normal and viable.
3.We have not fully discussed our plan moving
forward if we receive negative results from the genetic testing.There have been a lot more “ifs” in this
cycle, so we are taking them a step at a time.How do you eat an elephant, right?!
4.Todd is staying strong for me…except for the
part where he walks like a little, old lady.He’s been a rock, even in the moments he’s needed to cry.
I think the most surprising part of this weekend has been my
deep-seated desire to be near these babies.When they were in Oklahoma City, I didn’t feel like this.Maybe it was because there were more of them,
and I felt that they were stronger.Maybe it’s because they are so close to me in proximity.Maybe it’s because I’m scared that I may lose
two more of our babies this week.I am a
believer of life beginning at conception.These are our babies.We deserve
to watch them grow. They deserve to become children.
Today, I am still holding onto that hope that this will happen.
I’m in love with hope.~Mitch Albom
*********************************
The below song has become my theme song this cycle.It breaks my heart a little every time I hear it, but it also gives me peace knowing that I am finally giving this process to God.
"Need You Now (How Many Times)" by Plumb
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
