Birthday Candles

Since I was a little girl, I have loved my birthday.  I think the part I look forward to the most is blowing out the candles and making a wish.  I’m kind of superstitious in that I like to pick-up pennies, knock on wood, and step over cracks.  I don’t really believe any of it makes a difference, but there’s something about the innocence in those superstitions that I enjoy.  Wishing on birthday cake candles is no different.

My mom must have been Wonder Woman. 
I'm not sure why I had 2 cakes.

When I was little, I probably wished for a certain present or some boy to like me.  As I got older, I probably wished for the perfect college to give me scholarships or some boy to like me.  J  Now, my wishes are real.  They’re deep.  They’d cause the entire room to get teary eyed if I said them allowed.  (Plus, I permanently have the boy who likes me.)

You only get one wish on your birthday.  Do you know what mine will be?!

Exactly one year ago today, I said goodbye to 32 when I wrote:

I can still remember last year on this day thinking that 32 was going to be the best age of all of them thus far. It was going to be the year God gave us a baby. Instead, God had different plans; 32 taught me a lot of lessons…a lot. I’m pretty sure that 32 was the most difficult age thus far. Man, I hope that in the distant future, I can say it was the most difficult of my life.

However, today is a new day and a new age. I can say that I survived 32. I made it to 33…something special has to happen when you’re repeating digits, right?! I am officially leaving behind the year of failures and looking forward to a year of new beginnings. Who’s with me?!

Le sigh.  I was so naïve.  J

The ironic thing about that entry was that I didn’t know that I was actually venturing into an age of my life that would be even harder than the one before.  I didn’t realize I was about to experience more heartbreak than I imagined would be possible on this journey.  I didn’t see that an entirely new year of failures was ahead. 

However, I was right about stepping into a year of new beginnings.  Remember, I was only 23 days past telling Todd that I completely doubted my faith when I wrote that entry.  (Ironic that it was 23 days, huh, Dad?!)  Look how different my life has become this last year.

You know what I probably wished for last year when I blew out my candles?  I probably wished for a sweet baby in my arms or a large belly bump in my hands before my 34th birthday.  (See how I give options on my wishes?!  J)

This birthday wish will different.  I have no idea what this next year will hold for growing our family.  I have hope that our empty arms will finally be full.

However, the truth is that it may not happen in this next year, either.  I don’t know what God has planned for us.  What I do know is that we will continue to press on with building our faith.  We will continue to trust that what God has in store for us will be more beautiful than all of the candle wishes we have ever made.

As I close my eyes and blow-out my candles tonight, I will wish for…

You didn’t think I’d actually tell you, did you?!  Don’t you know that’s the way to make a wish not come true?!  J

Praying before dinner with my dad & sisters.  I'm the little peeker.

A big happy birthday to President Abraham Lincoln.  He was so kind to let me share this day with him.

Here are a few more throwback pictures.  I think I was about 2 in these.  However, that would mean my mom made 4 cakes, so I don't know what's happening here.  Maybe this is over 2 birthdays???  She's pretty awesome, though!  Always has been. 

With my mom & sisters

With my dad & sisters

With my sisters & cousins

What I Need to Hear, What I Need to Say

I recently told a friend that I was sorry it was so hard to love me right now.  She quickly replied that it wasn’t hard to love me, it was just hard to know how to love me.  That couldn’t be more true. 

For the last 2 months, I haven’t known what I wanted to hear from people or what I wanted people to do to help me.  It’s a frustrating situation in which to be.  So, for everyone that has been looking for what they could do or say to make me feel better about our situation and this miscarriage, just know that I can’t even tell you what that is.  As our therapist said to us, pain isn’t logical.

For those that are reaching out and trying, it helps.  I can’t thank you enough.  Snail mail, phone calls, texts, and emails that are full of words of encouragement are appreciated more than I can say.

On a similar note, I received this blog entry in my email this morning from Chelsea at Starbucks, Peace, and the Pursuit of a Baby.  I thought it was an excellent representation of things I would like to say. 

5 Things You Want to Tell Your Fertile Friend

Here is a link to copy & paste in case the one above doesn’t work:  https://www.fertilityauthority.com/blog/chelsea-ritchie/2015/2/11/5-things-you-wish-you-could-tell-your-fertile-friends

Thank you for continuing to love me even when it was hard to know how.

Glimpses of Hope

I always find it awesome when God gives me a little glimpse of hope.  Recently, I have been given two of those.  They let me feel God’s blessing and presence.  Awesome.

The first was last Tuesday.  I had a blog entry planned that I had wanted to write but just hadn’t had the chance to complete it.  Then, I received an email with an entry from one of my favorite bloggers, Lisa.  I think God was telling me that He had a different plan.  The first line of this entry was Jeremiah 17:7…

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.”

How perfect, I thought!  This should be my verse for the year to go along with my goal to TRUST God more.

Then, I continued reading, and the next verse was Jeremiah 17:8 (doy because that’s how the Bible is laid

out)…

“They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.”

WHAT?!  That makes it even more perfect.  I immediately texted Mom and Todd and told them about my awesome find. 

I told Mom that it meant we were going to have a million babies, and she quickly informed me that she wouldn’t be able to hang around long enough for me to have a million babies.  Ha!

Todd’s response was, “So there is hope for your green thumb?”  That man never ceases to make me laugh.

My day had been made!

My second glimpse of hope from God came this Monday.  I was texting with my dear friend, Kacy, about adoption and how we felt about that.

Then, I read the second day of my Bible plan called Infertility Encouragement from Sarah’s Laughter.  These are excerpts from the plan that can be found on the YouVersion Bible app (created and distributed electronically FOR FREE by LifeChurch.tv…sorry, shameless plug):

“Jesus didn’t tell His disciples to use the internet to spread the Gospel because He knew that wasn’t His plan for them at their time in history….Imagine the confusion if He had revealed this part of His plan too early….Perhaps it’s that way with your desire to conceive.  Today you may believe you could never fall in love with an adopted child.  It may seem impossible to you.  But what if God included adoption in His plan for you long before you even knew infertility would be a part of your vocabulary?”

Hello, God.  It’s me, Laura, and I am receiving your glimpses of hope.  Thank you for sending these.

By the way, this Bible plan has been so thrilling for me.  I’m learning and opening my eyes so much.  I’ll be doing this one on repeat.  It’s.that.good! 

Anyway, I’m not saying that God is telling me to adopt.  I just think that He heard Kacy and me.  He sensed our fears of the unknown.  He sensed that we were changing our minds a lot and didn’t know what to think about what was up and what was down.  I think He just wanted to share that we may not understand His plan right now, but it’s still good and perfect.  That’s the key.  That’s what He wanted to tell us that day.  (Also, Kacy and I were not saying we feared not being able to love an adopted child.  We were simply talking about adoption and if it fit into our futures or not.)

I am grateful all over again for a God that listens to me and sends me little glimpses of hope at just the perfect times.

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Please, go and read the gem of a blog entry that followed the gem of a Bible verse that I discussed in my first glimpse of hope from God.  I promise, you will be glad you did:

Deep Roots During Infertility

http://www.amateurnester.com/2015/01/deep-roots-infertility.html

I’m doing a link-up with this blog entry today, too:  http://www.amateurnester.com/2015/02/faith-during-infertility.html