The Quarter of IVF

This is a much overdue entry.  I apologize that it has been 5 weeks since we saw Drs. McKinney and Prough, and I haven’t blogged a thing about that appointment.  I guess Dave Matthews and my emotional breakdown were more important to me.  J  However, we do have a plan, and I shall now share said plan.

We spent some time with Dr. McKinney reviewing all of our questions about this next round of cycles.  She was very helpful. 

 

Then, we went in to see Dr. Prough.  He is an RE (reproductive endocrinologist, AKA IVF/IUI doctor), just like McKinney and Bundren, but he also specializes in sperm aspiration for men like Todd.  We met him in October 2010.  He was the first RE we interviewed.  His bedside manner sent us quickly walking towards a (an?) urologist.  The conversation started like this:

Dr. Prough:  Oh, I talked to you in October of 2010.

Laura:  Yes, and we ended up attempting a vasectomy reversal that failed.
Dr. Prough:   Is this a good time to tell you, ‘I told you so?”
Laura:  Only if you want me to cry.

That was that.  No more minor scolding.  J

Things went much better with Prough this time.  In fact, he informed us that he would be putting Todd completely under for his part of the procedure.  Hallelujah!  This will be the fourth procedure for Todd and the first time he gets to sleep through it.  As a side note:  For an egg retrieval, barring any hyper- (hypo-?) stimulation, you are back on your feet and *unfortunately* at work the next day.  For a sperm retrieval (MESA/TESA/TESE), you are on strict orders to not lift a thing for a week and take it pretty easy for 10 days.  I may have a lot (a lot!) of shots and uncomfortable appointments, but up through the retrieval, Todd draws the short end of the stick.  Just one of the many sacrifices he makes for others.

Anyway, we are moving in the direction of this plan:  (All of these dates are guesstimates by yours truly based on a hard-to-understand calendar I was given by the doctor.)

·         June – blood work performed on both of us for communicable diseases

·         July – keep saving money

·         8/5 – IVF information class – I asked if we had to go through this since we pretty much understand the process.  They informed me that all of their IVF patients must attend it once a year, regardless.  Todd wanted to inform them that we could teach the class.  J

·         Start Cycle 1

o   Somewhere between 8/25 & 9/4 – baseline ultrasound and start shots

o   Somewhere between 9/8 & 9/21 – retrieval

o   9/24 – PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening) – This is where they test the embryos to make sure they are chromosomally normal.  We have never done this before, and we are hoping it gives us answers as to what is causing us to have failed cycles.

o   9/26 – freeze embryos

·         Start Cycle 2

o   Somewhere between 10/13 & 10/23 – baseline ultrasound and start shots

o   Somewhere between 10/27 & 11/9 – retrieval

o   11/12 – PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening)

o   11/14 – freeze embryos

·         12/19 – FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

September through December of 2014 will forever be remembered as “The Quarter of IVF.”  To say that our lives will revolve around IVF at the end of this year could be a slight understatement.  Any takers on my Christmas shopping?!  If not, you’re all getting infertility pamphlets and syringes from our collection.  Don’t freak out, the syringes are new.

Now, all of this is assuming that we decide to go through with this plan.  This is the plan that TFC is drawing up in our contract.  The charges are going to be lumped together, so this will only cost $50,000 out-of-pocket.  I kid you not.  However, if things go really well with the first cycle, and we get 2 really great embryos, we could end up deciding to do a fresh transfer on September 26.  (Keep in mind that we have about 30 minutes to make a decision on whether we do a fresh transfer or not.)  At that point, we would just pay for services rendered.

I hope that makes sense.  I hope that answers any questions that may be occurring in some minds.

Most of all, I hope this works.

Infertile Myrtles

For as long as I can remember, I have had a flaw of caring what others think about me.  This can be a good motivator to an extent.  However, it can be a huge disability, too.  For me, it’s a disability.  I am constantly worrying that I will say or do the wrong thing…around certain people is worth than others.

Well, sometime between December 4, 2013, (when we found out our second IVF cycle had failed) and today, I decided I would hide my true feelings about IVF and infertility as best as I could.  The only person that I would let see how I really felt would be Todd.  The reason I decided to do this was because I didn’t want people to look back at this time in my life and remember me as their sad/needy/selfish friend.  Most of the time, this plan has worked for me.  However, when you continue to fill a cup with water, at some point, it will overflow.

Every so often, I have a day like yesterday, and my cup overflowed.  When I left work, I had a lot on my mind.  I had kept it all in and showed my “everything is fine” face to my coworkers all day.  Then, I got in the car, called Todd, and lost it.  I was finally in my safe place to say how I really felt and what I really thought.  However, I must have kept it all bottled-up for too long because I couldn’t control the sobs at all.  In his best “I can’t fix this for her, but I can be there for her” way, Todd apologized that I was so sad and reassured me that he was there and loved me very much.  (Our therapist would have been so proud of how he handled the situation.)  Anyway, I let him go, so I could just cry it out.

I made it to boot camp and pulled myself together again…until approximately 17 minutes into my workout.  I started to cry again but just a little.  This fueled me to push harder because I was so frustrated that I was losing so much control of myself.  After boot camp, I started to cry again during stretching, which caused me to actually lose my breath.  Seriously, this was one of the worst cases of “I can’t hide my emotions forever, so I’m just going to cry it out now” that I had ever had.

After I cleaned up and changed clothes, I headed to meet the girls in my Infertile Myrtles [IM] group.  (This is the support group that I wrote about starting.  Well, we did it.  Tulsa officially has an infertility support group.  Woot woot!)  On the way to IM, I didn’t even call Todd because I needed some more time to cry it out.  I got over there, pulled myself together again, and went inside.  One of the girls started updating us on her current status.  Then, the attention turned to me.  I started explaining to them that I was having a pretty rough afternoon, but I was just going to try not to cry the rest of the meeting.  One of them said something about just letting it out, and I did.  Tears, Kleenexes, a drippy nose…the only thing missing was my occasional snort from crying so hard.

For the first time since I had made a pact with myself to ride this infertility train out with a happy mask on my face, I let someone besides Todd console me.  I told them the truth.  I didn’t sugarcoat anything.

I cried.  I talked.  I didn’t worry about being judged.

They listened.  They nodded their heads.  They understood.

I’ve probably said it a dozen times.  Infertility is one of those journeys that you can sympathize for, but you can never truly empathize for unless you go through it yourself. 

I can still remember being at my adult dance class about 20 months ago when my friend came in and told me her fourth IUI cycle had been canceled.  I remember her telling me how frustrated she was.  I remember her slightly tearing up behind her happy mask.  I still distinctly remember the feeling I had that I was so sorry she was going through this.  I did what all of my good friends do and tried to understand.

However, I didn’t understand.  I do, now.  I wish I had been going through this with her.  I would have been a better friend, a better listener.  She has been there for me, though.  She understands the pain.  The Infertile Myrtles understand the pain.

So there, sitting in the nook in the back of a Target Starbucks, I cried.  I talked.  I was comforted.

I walked out of that store last night feeling, for the first time in 4 hours, that I had control of myself again.  Starting this support group was one of the scariest and best decisions I have ever made.  I am more grateful for these women than I will ever be able to put into words. 

My cup runneth over – this time, it’s in a good way.

**************************************************

Since I haven’t been very consistent with my blogging, Infertile Myrtles has now met five times.  Don’t worry, I won’t keep count forever.  Our first week, there were five of us.  Since then, our number has fluctuated because it’s hard for everyone to meet every single week.  We have not added anyone else to the group, but I’m okay with that.  I think it’s more intimate this way, and we are really getting to know each other more personally.  If someone else does decide to attend, we will welcome them into our little family with open arms.  At this point, we are still just using that time to talk.  However, we have some plans for additional fun activities in the near future.  I’ll blog more about those as they happen.  I really am grateful for these four women.  I think they’re so awesome and strong and inspiring.

**************************************************

I am pretty sure that I have shared some of Jessah’s blog entries before.  However, this one really hit me hard when I read it.  She always does an excellent job of putting my feelings into her words.  J  Thank you for your blog, Jessah.  Thank you for putting a voice to a very isolating journey.

http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2014/05/we-do-need-this-day.html

Ants Crawling

That title is for you, Nicho…and kind of for you too, Todd.  Don’t hate me.  J

I am so sorry that I have neglected my blog.  This entry is about to have zero to do with IVF or infertility, but I want to write this for myself.

It’s been a very busy month.  A very busy month!

One thing we did this month was attend a Dave Matthews concert with a group of girls I know from college and their husbands.  The night was not without its stories.  We started at dinner with the entire group.  Then, we split up on the walk over because our seats were not all together.  Todd and I sat with our awesome friend, Nicho.  That’s not her first name, but I’ve called her Nicho for so long that I can’t remember what her first name is anymore.  J  (Actually, when I do call her by her first name, it sounds weird.  I’m pretty sure it would be best to change her first name to Nicho when she gets married and changes her last name.  I’m glad we agree on that.) 

Awe, sweet girls.  I have such fun with you!

I have no idea what my silly monkey is doing, but I imagine it involves a shrimp and a slingshot.  Either that, or he thinks the guy behind him is famous, and he's showing his surprised face for getting a picture with him.  You pick.

Side Note:  Nicho and I have a very special bond.  We met in college, and she adopted me in our sorority whenever my "Big" left the house prematurely.  We have ways of connecting that most of our friends don't fully understand.  In just a few short weeks, Nicho and I are going to be separated by many miles and several hours as she moves to be with her new boyfriend.  It makes me sad because I am going to miss our happy hour dinners and seeing her sweet face.  We have so many awesome memories together, though, and I can’t wait to visit and add some to the list from her new home.  I love you and will miss you, friend!

So back to Dave.  Todd, Nicho, and I sat together at the concert.  We were enjoying the music, people watching, and general relaxation when we noticed on the floor of the arena was a group with flashlights making their way through the crowd while carrying a stretcher.  What?!  Minutes later, they leave the crowd with someone on the stretcher and another guy following close behind with his own personal body guards…er, I mean cops.  We never got the story on that one, but it was an interesting sight to see.  We didn’t even have to pay for that part of the show!...or maybe that’s why our cruddy seats were so expensive.  Hmmm…

Anyway, a few songs later, we had forgotten about the “somehow I put a guy on a stretcher and now I’m getting arrested” incident and were commenting about the distinct smell of whacky tobaccy all around us.  That’s when we noticed 4 cops walking up the stairs next to our section and pointing flashlights into the crowd.  I couldn’t believe cops even came to the nosebleed section, but there they were.  That’s when we saw the potentially intended culprit attempt to make a dash down the stairs, straight for 2 of the cops.  At first, he seemed to be cautious with his nimble hops down the steps.  Then, it seemed as if he thought he might be able to barrel through the cops if he picked up his speed, so he made the poor decision to do so and ended up getting man-handled OVER the railing and into the ramp area.  I was half tempted to go down to the concession area to watch the aftermath; however, we weren’t partaking in whacky tobaccy, so I made the smart decision to stay seated.  The funny thing is to think that they could have been coming up there for someone or something completely unrelated to the concert hopper.  I tell ya, paranoia is a nasty evil.

To top off the night, we ran into the lead guitarist from our church.  I only know he's the lead because Todd tells me so.  I can't hear the difference, but my man was raised in a church that taught him to pick out those different sounds.  Anyway, this guitarist happens to be our favorite.  I enjoy him because he bobs his head when he plays, and "it's as if his [head is] independent from his body."  (Friends reference for the day.)  I've never seen someone bob their head quite like that...especially to Christian music.  He makes me smile literally every Sunday that he's playing.  He's Todd's favorite because, as I said, he can actually hear him playing separate from the other instruments.  Todd says he puts real feeling into his playing, which he thoroughly enjoys.  Back on track...I saw him in line at the concert, and I had to tell him how much I loved his worship leading.  (Talking to strangers comes naturally for me, and I can only thank my mother for that.  Stranger danger was a lesson I was not taught as a child.  Instead, I was taught that sometimes asking strangers nicely will get you backstage to take a picture with Ronnie Milsap.)  So, I walked up to said guitarist (who is nameless in my blog because I still don't know his name) and asked if he played guitar at LifeChurch.  When he conceded, I exclaimed in my most mature voice, "You're my faaaaaaavorite!"  I actually drug the word out that long.  He either thought I was crazy, or he was flattered.  Either way, I got to get that off my chest.  I slept better that night.

Overall, it was a great night with great friends, and I am grateful to have everyone from that night in my life.  Even you, Dave Matthews…I think you’re pretty great, too.  Sounds great, huh?!  J

Cheers to you, Miss Nicho.  Distance may soon separate us, but you’ll always have a special place in my heart.  I love you.

Not-a-Mother Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is Sunday.  This time, last year, I was smack-dab in the middle of my first IVF cycle.  I think it’s funny to look back and wonder what I would have done differently if I had known what I know today.  Then, I start to wonder what things will look like a year from now.

Last year, Mother’s Day was a day of hope and promise for me.  I was certain that it was my last Mother’s Day without a child.  Boy, was I wrong.  I’m five days away from this joyous holiday, and honestly, I’m just dreading it.  We are 3 ½ years into this journey of infertility, and this will definitely be the hardest “Not a Mother” Mother’s Day that I’ve ever had.

Some people say, “But you are a mother.”  Being a stepmom is different.  Your stepkids don’t remember to call you on Mother’s Day.  They don’t wake you with breakfast in bed or take you to lunch.  They have a mother, someone you never would think of trying to replace.

This year will be a different lineup of activities for the day, though.  Todd and I will actually be in Arkansas, where the kids live.  We will actually get to see them, maybe even hug them.  It will be a day of celebration.  Kaleb, our 17-year old, has decided to dedicate his life to Christ, so we will be attending their church for his baptism.  I’m so elated for him and this decision.  He’s an awesome kid, and I can’t wait to watch him stand in the baptismal with that huge, cheesy grin of his that makes me smile.

Maybe Sunday will have more peace than I’m feeling, now.  At the least, I will get to see my stepkids for an hour that morning, even if it is from a distance.  I will be able to wave to them and blow them a little kiss.  With any luck, I’ll get an opportunity to hug each of their necks and tell them I love them.

Please, dear God, help me not to completely break down in tears when I see them.

And maybe next year, my void will be filled.  Maybe next Mother’s Day, I will be a mother.

Chazown – My Purpose

Chazown (pronounced khaw-ZONE) from the Hebrew, meaning a dream, revelation, or vision.

Several weeks ago, Todd and I had the opportunity to attend a seminar called Chazown at church.  The point of the seminar was to help you find your purpose in life.  Going into it, I was certain I was about to face one of my fears…that engineering isn’t my “calling.”  I just knew I was going to leave Saturday afternoon and tell Todd that I needed to quit my job and start working for a non-profit organization.  I was so wrong.  Instead, I realized that my purpose is to help those that are fighting the fertility battle to find joy in life.  (I still think there is a bigger life for me after engineering, but for now, it helps pay those IVF bills!)

I. am. so. excited.

I met with the LifeGroups pastor yesterday, and I should be ready to start a support group for women like me within next 2 weeks.  (For any of you Tulsa-area girls, I would love for you to join us.  If you don’t or haven’t suffered from any fertility issues but know someone who has, please, direct them to me.  This is not limited to those that use IVF treatments; I think that all types of fertility issues have things in common we can share.  You do not need to attend LifeChurch to be a part of this group, either.)  I will be leading the effort, and we will take it in the direction that is best for everyone involved.  I just think this is going to be an awesome, much needed outlet for those that deal with these issues on a daily basis.

We need this support!  Personally, I have been lucky to have friends that have gone down this path before me, but not everyone has that type of support group.  Fortunately, I have watched many of them leave these challenges behind, as well as watch my "more fertile" friends start their families.  It's hard for those that have left these challenges in the past to always remember the depth of the pain felt; they get busy with their new children or just with life, in general.  It's even more difficult for those that haven't been down this road to empathize.  When you’re still in the middle of the battle, you can sometimes start to feel left behind.  I want to start this group so everyone can have shoulders to cry on and friends to remind them that they aren’t alone.

Last night, I received a message from a dear friend that knows fertility challenges all too well.  (I won’t share too much of her personal details without her permission.)  She’s the type of person that everyone loves and wants the best for.  She was a very good supporter and encourager for me during both of my cycles.  Anyway, she has run into an unexpected struggle with fertility that she wanted to share.  Unfortunately, she lives an hour-and-a-half from me, so I couldn’t hug her.  As soon as I saw the message, I knew that all I could do was to cry for her and pray for her.  My heart was just broken.  Then, it dawned on me that this new group can provide for other women those hugs and those prayers and those tears from friends that truly understand.  She reminded me why I think this is so important.  (Thank you, friend, for trusting me with your story.  I’m sending you virtual hugs and lots of prayers!)

I really can’t wait to get this group going, and I hope that anyone reading this blog will pass along my contact information to those that may benefit from these newfound friendships.

******************************

On a romantic note, I am certain that I married the man that God made for me.  On Saturday, we went to see Heaven is For Real.  It was a powerful movie for me.  One thing it left me wondering is if we have a child in Heaven waiting for us to come Home.  I asked Todd this question as we were climbing into bed that night.  He reassured me that he thought we did.  Although we may have not been pregnant for very long last May, the doctors assure us that we were indeed pregnant.  Therefore, there is a little soul that found its way to Heaven.  This comforts me.  There is a child that is half Todd and half me spending their days playing with cousins and an aunt or uncle.  Even if God doesn’t bless us with a biological child on Earth, we have someone special we will get to meet when we arrive in Heaven.  This thought brings me peace.

******************************

On a sweet note about our church babies, I realized in Chazown that my second purpose in life is to work with kids.  I had already started to fulfill this purpose by teaching the 3-year olds in church with Todd.  Each week, I hope I bring a smile to some of those kids’ faces with my silly dances and high-fives when they answer a question correctly.  I know they make me smile and laugh…and occasionally gag when I have to wipe a snotty nose.  J  This upcoming Sunday, Todd and I will be out of town, and I am actually sad…like really sad…that I’m going to miss seeing their little faces.  Anyway, this past Friday, I had the chance to lead 2 extra classes for Easter weekend.  Todd was headed to get the kids, so I volunteered alone.  As I stepped into my second class, which happened to be our regular class, one of our little girls was in there.  I was so excited to see her.  I bent down to give her a hug, and she looked at me with sad eyes and said, “Where’s Todd?”  It just melted my heart in all the right ways.  She knew one of our names, and she was sad that half of our dynamic duo was missing.  <content sigh>

 

******************************

One a similar note, just a short week after Chazown, Jessah, at Dreaming of Dimples posted a blog entry called, what are you doing for others?  I thought it was pretty timely!

Answered Prayers

For a while now, I’ve been struggling with my religion.  It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s something I want to be able to admit aloud and to myself.  For many reasons, I’ve felt as if God had turned his back on Todd and me over the last few years.  Failing IVF cycles does not help that feeling.

We moved back to Tulsa in 2010.  Since then, we have half-heartedly searched for a church.  We tried a few churches in Jenks and my childhood church.  We tried some of them multiple times.  We really wanted one close to home, but we also wanted one where we felt at home.  We had heard of an outfit called LifeChurch.tv.  However, for years, we were unwilling to try it because we knew the pastor was broadcast in from the home church in Edmond, Oklahoma.  We would say, “How in the world can you feel a connection to a pastor that is an hour-and-a-half away from you when he preaches?!”  Then, LifeChurch opened a new location just outside my parents’/sister’s neighborhood, which is just over 3 miles away from us.  My sister and her boys started attending and something told us to just check it out. 

Oh. My. Word. Craig. Groeschel.  If you haven’t heard this man preach a sermon, you should treat yourself at least one time.  There is something about him.  I can’t even really describe how he transforms words and talks directly to me.  I’m pretty sure he’s been studying my life and has tailored every sermon I’ve heard from him to fit my needs.  There is a long-running joke that I make to Todd that the denomination he was raised in is a cult.  (It’s just a joke, so don’t take offense if you know what that denomination is and attend.  The joke is strictly based on how Todd knows someone at any church we attend, no matter where in the country we are.  It’s crazy cool…and very cult-like.  J)  Anyway, I told Todd after a seminar at church last weekend that if Craig handed me a cup of Kool-Aid, I would gladly drink it.  The man is powerful to me.  Now, don’t start wondering if I’m starting to worship Craig.  I just love listening to him preach.

All of that being said, my sister was the one that brought us to LifeChurch (thank you, Jenny), and Craig was the one that kept us coming back.  Plus, I really love the worship style because I feel like I can dance and sing loud and no one cares.  It’s very much the concert-type worship, but I love every moment of it.  Sometimes, when I put my hands out, I can feel the energy just seeping into me.

Around January of this year, Todd and I really got serious about going every week.  We didn’t like missing Craig’s sermons.  Our only problem was that we didn’t truly feel at home because it was so big and we were bouncing around between services so often.  For months, I had been feeling like we were missing out on something more.  We decided to join a LifeGroup for blended families.  That was the start of the snowball.  We are now teaching 3-year olds every Sunday at 8:30 a.m.  Then, we attend the 10 a.m. worship.  Last, we greet at the front doors at 11:30 a.m.  The blessings we are receiving from the time we are giving are more than I can explain.  My cup runneth over.

First of all, our babies!  We have the cutest 3-year olds in the Tulsa area.  I wish I could post pictures, but I’m sure their parents would not appreciate that.  However, I’ll tell you that their hugs and their touches and their attention starts my week off in ways I haven’t felt in years.  These kids pose challenges that we have to face each week, mostly about how to get them to watch our 20-minute “movie” and answer at least one question correctly.  Did you know that one of their daddies actually built the ark?!  See?  I tell you…precious!  One of the boys squeals when he gets excited.  I must admit that I’ve been tempted to squeal along with him, but that might push Todd over the edge.

I think I’ve already explained how service has touched me.

Greeting.  I thought it would be the smiles I got from dozens of people heading into church that would be the game changer here.  However, that doesn’t even begin to touch Shayna.  Shayna is our new friend that we met the second time we were “on the job.”  She suffered from infertility for years and is now a proud mom of a beautiful, 7-year old boy.  Shayna’s advice, friendship, and love have hit me deep down.  I’m so very grateful for God bringing her to me.  (I have another story about how God put her in my path at a different event, but that will be in the next post.)

We have finally found a church where we are sublimely happy.  <sigh of relief>  We plan things around being there for our serving times.  As I said earlier, we went to a seminar at church last weekend about finding your purpose in life.  (After a call with a pastor tomorrow, I’ll be more prepared to share the details on that.)

God may have not answered our prayers for a healthy baby just yet, but He’s definitely answered our prayers to show us He’s still there…working His little magic on His timeline!

Free IVF Book Download & No New Information

Yay!  I love free stuff, and I love to read.  This is the best offer of the week.  Sweet Jessah at Dreaming of Dimples is offering a free download of a book to help increase your IVF chances.  I know there is a lot of information on “The Internets” about this subject.  However, if Jessah says it’s a good book, I trust her.  This girl knows IVF!  I'm pretty sure that if she told me that jumping off a bridge would get me pregnant, you would find me floating in the Arkansas River tomorrow.  I’ll be reading this ASAP!  http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2014/03/how-to-improve-ivf-success-free-download.html

On another note, sorry I’ve been MIA again.  We took the kids skiing in Colorado last week for their Spring Break.  Plus, I feel completely overwhelmed at work.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to do a recap of our trip soon because there isn’t much new information on our IVF journey to write about.  We are still waiting for financial information from Tulsa Fertility Center.  They are trying to put together a package deal for us because this next round is going to be so pricey, and insurance covers a big, whopping 0%-goose egg of our expenses.

Hope everyone in blog world is doing well.  If you’re bored, come on down to Okmulgee, Oklahoma, and help me complete some projects!