Several
weeks ago, I arrived at work, got out of the car, and headed towards my#favoritenotfavorite alley. It was
barely sprinkling so I made the decision that I did not need an umbrella. About 10 steps into my walk, the Heavens
opened and the skies came flooding down on me. I squealed like a little girl and quickly
began to run for the door, carrying all of my bags that have earned me the
beloved name of “bag lady” at work. I
ran as fast as I was able to, not realizing what I was doing. All I could think about was getting out of the
rain.
I realized
that morning that infertility is just like rain. I dream about getting out of this phase of my
life. I plan and plan and plan how I'm
going to get out of it the quickest.
Rain helps
things grow. Infertility helps me to
grow. I told myself that morning that when
infertility was really feeling like a downpour, I should remember to stop and enjoy
how it feels to be able to dance in the rain and enjoy this time when I am
growing so much.
Not two
weeks later, the craziest thing happened. As I turned the corner for the last stretch of
my drive to work, the rain started. I
pulled into the parking lot and sat, thinking about if I should carry an
umbrella. I didn’t. Instead, I whispered, “God, help me to learn
to enjoy this rain.” I climbed out of my
car, grabbed my many bags, and began to slowly walk into the building,
letting the rain fall all over me. As I entered my alley where I have receivedso much bad news along this journey, the rain began to pick up its intensity. I didn’t speed up my pace, though. Instead, I relished in the feel and the smell
of the rain. However, as I neared the
end of the alley, the rain began to lessen.
It was amazing. It was at that
moment that I smiled, realizing that even when things get harder, God is always
in control.
And can I just tell you how good the rain felt?! I knew that day was going to be a good day!
Yesterday was my due date. It was the day that we
thought we would give birth to our son. I have been waiting for it to come for
months, anticipating how I would react to the day. That morning, I asked Todd
if he remembered the significance of the day.
Not surprisingly, he had not forgotten. I spent my drive to work in
tears. In fact, I spent several moments
that day in tears.
I even had the opportunity to take a pregnancy test
with a small amount of hope that being “2 weeks late” was going to be the next
page in the story that God is writing for us.
(I am never late, so this was quite a phenomenon for us.) It didn’t turn out exactly as we had
hoped. I was imagining how we would get
to surprise all of our friends and family with the miracle news. Instead, the negative sign on the test gave
me another chance to show my God how faithful I am becoming that He truly is
holding us close to Him.
My heart longs to be a mother. My body physically
aches at times from the repeated losses. I was afraid that yesterday was going
to be a complete mess of a day for me if I didn’t focus it correctly. Instead, I reached out to someone I knew that
would be able to comfort me. I spent my
evening at dinner with one of my dearest friends. I cuddled with my husband. Despite the tears that did come and go
throughout the day, I learned to dance in the rain.
I know that someday, this rain will end. Trusting God for that does bring me peace.
Here we are this summer, enjoying the rain with our two favorite girls. Yes, we were wearing shower caps for part of it. No better way to enjoy rain than being silly in it.
This is the view I had one morning at a lake house we rented. Instead of locking up inside the house, my dad and I enjoyed each other's company...and the rain...from the back porch.
