Even If…

Back in January, we started stimulation shots for our sixth and final IVF cycle.  The morning of my first shot, I attended my weekly women’s Bible study.  I have a friend that was a small group leader for the group with me who I had built a deep relationship with over the previous months.  You see, she and her husband struggled for five years to get pregnant.  When they were told IVF was their only option, they gave their struggle to God and walked away from the reproductive endocrinologist.  Shortly thereafter, they were blessed with their miracle pregnancy…naturally.  Lindsay carried her sweet baby girl to full-term.  Aspyn was born on September 25, 2015.  She was a little angel, a healer of the hearts that had been broken by infertility.

On October 25, 2015, my dear friend went to feed her sweet baby and instead found her lifeless.  Aspyn Jane was exactly one month old when she left this Earth due to SIDS to be with our Heavenly Father.

Remember this picture from my last entry?
This is why this picture was so profound to me as my view on Transfer Day.

On the morning of January 23, 2016, Lindsay sat and told the Bible study a part of the story of the night Aspyn passed.  It was a part of the story I had not yet heard, and it changed me.

She said that she could remember running to her in-law’s house next door to get them, and as she ran back into her front yard, she collapsed, face first onto the ground.  In that moment, she turned to God, and she begged Him to bring Aspyn back to life.  And in the next instance, she prayed, “But even if you don’t, I will still know you are good.”  She suddenly remembered the Bible story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  They prayed to God to save them from the fires where they were being tossed but said that even if He didn’t, they would still only worship Him.

That was it.  That was the prayer that I knew Todd and I needed to pray during this final attempt to have a child that was half him and half me.

“Dear God.  Please, give us a baby.  We know you can.  But even if You do not, we will still know that you are good.”

I went home that day and told Todd the story.  With tears in both of our eyes, we agreed we would pray that through each step of this final cycle.

Fast forward to Friday, May 20.  I had blood work drawn to see if I was pregnant.  I left work at 1:30 in the afternoon, so I could be at home when our nurse called.  I was so used to taking phone calls at work, but we decided that this one should be done together.  After all, we both just knew this cycle had worked, so we needed to start planning how we would tell the kids immediately.

I will never forget sitting on our couch with Todd, staring at the phone that just would not ring.  I finally called CCRM because I couldn’t wait any longer.  For the first time since we had started talking to this clinic, they patched me through directly to the nurse.  We both sat and listened as she said, “I’m so sorry, but you are not pregnant.”  Todd took the phone as the look of horror and sadness overwhelmed my voiceless cry.  I remember her telling him that she understood we didn’t want to talk to her at that moment, I should stop taking my meds immediately, and they would contact us to setup a regroup appointment with Dr. Schoolcraft.

Our prayer was being put to the test.