Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Not-a-Mother Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is Sunday.  This time, last year, I was smack-dab in the middle of my first IVF cycle.  I think it’s funny to look back and wonder what I would have done differently if I had known what I know today.  Then, I start to wonder what things will look like a year from now.

Last year, Mother’s Day was a day of hope and promise for me.  I was certain that it was my last Mother’s Day without a child.  Boy, was I wrong.  I’m five days away from this joyous holiday, and honestly, I’m just dreading it.  We are 3 ½ years into this journey of infertility, and this will definitely be the hardest “Not a Mother” Mother’s Day that I’ve ever had.

Some people say, “But you are a mother.”  Being a stepmom is different.  Your stepkids don’t remember to call you on Mother’s Day.  They don’t wake you with breakfast in bed or take you to lunch.  They have a mother, someone you never would think of trying to replace.

This year will be a different lineup of activities for the day, though.  Todd and I will actually be in Arkansas, where the kids live.  We will actually get to see them, maybe even hug them.  It will be a day of celebration.  Kaleb, our 17-year old, has decided to dedicate his life to Christ, so we will be attending their church for his baptism.  I’m so elated for him and this decision.  He’s an awesome kid, and I can’t wait to watch him stand in the baptismal with that huge, cheesy grin of his that makes me smile.

Maybe Sunday will have more peace than I’m feeling, now.  At the least, I will get to see my stepkids for an hour that morning, even if it is from a distance.  I will be able to wave to them and blow them a little kiss.  With any luck, I’ll get an opportunity to hug each of their necks and tell them I love them.

Please, dear God, help me not to completely break down in tears when I see them.

And maybe next year, my void will be filled.  Maybe next Mother’s Day, I will be a mother.