Tuesday, August 4, 2015

The Rain

Several weeks ago, I arrived at work, got out of the car, and headed towards my#favoritenotfavorite alley.  It was barely sprinkling so I made the decision that I did not need an umbrella.  About 10 steps into my walk, the Heavens opened and the skies came flooding down on me.  I squealed like a little girl and quickly began to run for the door, carrying all of my bags that have earned me the beloved name of “bag lady” at work.  I ran as fast as I was able to, not realizing what I was doing.  All I could think about was getting out of the rain.

I realized that morning that infertility is just like rain.  I dream about getting out of this phase of my life.  I plan and plan and plan how I'm going to get out of it the quickest.  What I know deep down is that enjoying the rain can be quite a life lesson.

Rain helps things grow.  Infertility helps me to grow.  I told myself that morning that when infertility was really feeling like a downpour, I should remember to stop and enjoy how it feels to be able to dance in the rain and enjoy this time when I am growing so much.

Not two weeks later, the craziest thing happened.  As I turned the corner for the last stretch of my drive to work, the rain started.  I pulled into the parking lot and sat, thinking about if I should carry an umbrella.  I didn’t.  Instead, I whispered, “God, help me to learn to enjoy this rain.”  I climbed out of my car, grabbed my many bags, and began to slowly walk into the building, letting the rain fall all over me. As I entered my alley where I have receivedso much bad news along this journey, the rain began to pick up its intensity.  I didn’t speed up my pace, though.  Instead, I relished in the feel and the smell of the rain.  However, as I neared the end of the alley, the rain began to lessen.  It was amazing.  It was at that moment that I smiled, realizing that even when things get harder, God is always in control.

And can I just tell you how good the rain felt?!  I knew that day was going to be a good day!

Yesterday was my due date. It was the day that we thought we would give birth to our son. I have been waiting for it to come for months, anticipating how I would react to the day. That morning, I asked Todd if he remembered the significance of the day.  Not surprisingly, he had not forgotten. I spent my drive to work in tears.  In fact, I spent several moments that day in tears.

I even had the opportunity to take a pregnancy test with a small amount of hope that being “2 weeks late” was going to be the next page in the story that God is writing for us.  (I am never late, so this was quite a phenomenon for us.)  It didn’t turn out exactly as we had hoped.  I was imagining how we would get to surprise all of our friends and family with the miracle news.  Instead, the negative sign on the test gave me another chance to show my God how faithful I am becoming that He truly is holding us close to Him.

My heart longs to be a mother. My body physically aches at times from the repeated losses. I was afraid that yesterday was going to be a complete mess of a day for me if I didn’t focus it correctly.  Instead, I reached out to someone I knew that would be able to comfort me.  I spent my evening at dinner with one of my dearest friends.  I cuddled with my husband.  Despite the tears that did come and go throughout the day, I learned to dance in the rain.

I know that someday, this rain will end.  Trusting God for that does bring me peace.
Here we are this summer, enjoying the rain with our two favorite girls.  Yes, we were wearing shower caps for part of it.  No better way to enjoy rain than being silly in it.
This is the view I had one morning at a lake house we rented.  Instead of locking up inside the house, my dad and I enjoyed each other's company...and the rain...from the back porch.