Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Making of Wonder Woman

The first couple of days after we received the news that this cycle didn’t work, I was in shock.  I was sad, and I mean really sad.  I felt broken.

Sometime this weekend, those feelings changed to hopelessness.  I officially had reached a point where I thought things may never be okay, again with this particular situation.  I have had this same feeling in about a handful of situations in my life.  That doesn’t make this any easier to handle.  Each one of them have been different.

The major problem is that no matter what anyone says, we may never be able to have a baby.  That is a fact.  We will do whatever we can to make one or adopt one, but that doesn’t guarantee it will happen.  (My mom even told me that she’s pretty convincing, so she’ll make sure we get a baby.  This made me laugh.  For anyone that knows my mother, you know this is pretty spot-on.)  The truth is, though, it might not happen.  This is one of the hardest realizations to which we have come.  It disappoints Todd as much as it does me.  This thought took away all of my hope.  I started wondering if I would ever be able to enjoy normal social situations again without that constant twinge of jealousy.

Anyway, last night, I had another turning point.  I went to my monthly Bunco group even though I really did not want to attend.  I was afraid I was going to cry the entire night and make everyone very uncomfortable.  I wanted to stay home and sulk.  However, with Todd gone on business this week, I was afraid I may not come out of the pity party in time to go to work this morning.  I decided to go and make the most of the evening, knowing that I could leave anytime I wanted and these ladies would understand.  It turned out much better than I had even hoped.  As we usually do, we ate, played Bunco, exchanged Christmas gifts, made lots of jokes and laughed, and even shared a few tears at the end of the night.  I left my group of friends last night knowing that someday, I was going to be okay, again.  I had renewed hope…not in the baby-gettin’ process, but in my future with or without a child.  I have a girlfriend that tells me often how strong I am.  I’ve never felt particularly strong.  I definitely don’t feel strong right now.  However, I know that someday, I will be.  I’m pretty sure this is the type of journey that turns you into Wonder Woman – gold wristbands and all!

I read this quote today on a new blog that I’ve never read before:
“Look, here is me, here are my scars, and I’m ok.  And it’s ok to be not ok.  Into every life, a little ‘not ok’ must fall.  But I got up.  I learned to walk.  Then to thrive.  Then to be fully alive.  And if I can come out on the other side with grace, then anyone can.”http://www.princessburlap.com/

I know that’s where I’m headed.  I’m not saying I won’t still have moments when I start crying for no reason.  Our therapist, Maribeth, told us that you feel things in 1/32 of a second.  If you don’t know how quick that is, time how long it takes you to blink, and divide it by 4.  I’m just guessing, but it’s stinkin’ fast.  Basically, what that means to me is that my feelings are going to come when I least expect them and quicker than I can control them.  It’s okay to feel them, though, because each day and each get-together with my friends and each back scratch from my mom and each hug from someone and each tear wiped away by my husband will be one moment closer to feeling okay, again.

I do have a great support group, and I love each and every one of you very much!!  Just know that I’m sorry if I cry and make you feel uncomfortable.  You’ll get over it, though.  J  I’m kidding.  Just hug me and tell me you’re sorry.  That’s all anyone can do right now.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Broken

This is, without a doubt, the hardest post I have written thus far, and I’m going to be completely honest with how I feel.  (And hope this is therapeutic for me.)

Todd and I made a decision to tell everyone our pregnancy (beta) test was today, so we could surprise everyone with the great news when we received it yesterday.  Unfortunately, there is no great news to share.  Instead, it’s all awful news. 

Last cycle, when we received the news that we had miscarried, we were hopeful for the next cycle to work.  Once again, a little more of that hope has been dashed away from us.  Our second cycle did not work at all.  There is no reason why.  We are just on the bad side of the odds.  My eggs seem to be the problem.  However, we can’t be sure about that.  Dr. Bundren says we have done everything we can to increase the quality of my eggs.  At this point, he isn't encouraging or discouraging another cycle.  We do have to wait 6 months, though, to allow my body time to heal.

I’m heartbroken.  There is really no other word to describe it.  I hear everyone tell me that God has a plan for us.  However, it’s hard to believe it right now.  I’m sad.  I’m confused.  I’m angry.  When the Bible tells you to be fruitful and multiply, why would God make it so difficult for a couple like us?  We want a baby so bad that it hurts.  We are able and willing to care for a child for the rest of their life.  So why not give us one?  I hear you when you say this isn't the right time.  He has a different plan.  That doesn't make it any easier, though.  I’m just being honest.  Has He given us the three that He had planned for us?  Does He want us to adopt?  What if His plan is for us to not have anymore children at all?

Right now, I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest, and Melissa McCarthy has done a Mexican Hat Dance on it.  (See how I defer my pain?  Doesn't help that we just watched The Heat.)  In all seriousness, this is a pain I have never felt.  I’m not a control freak, but I do like feeling in control of my life.  In all areas of my life, I feel like I can change the direction I want it to go…except this.  I feel helpless.  Maybe that’s His plan.  God has blessed us immensely in our lives.  I have a husband who isn’t perfect, and neither am I…what we are is perfect for each other.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what I did to deserve him.  Our kids are awesome.  Our careers are going great.  We have wonderful family and friends that have provided us the utmost support.  But, we can’t have the one thing we feel is missing.  We aren't young pups anymore, either.  Waiting three to five years to adopt a baby feels like a century.  Waiting another six months to do another IVF cycle feels like forever.  My emotional cache is running dry.

Hello, God.  It’s me, Laura.  Feeling a little broken here.  Just asking for a baby.  Can you hear me?!

What will we do?  For now, “just keep swimming.”  (Thanks for the reminder today, Ash.)

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Let Me Live That Fantasy

Countdown:
Pregnancy test – 2 days

All I want for Christmas is a pregnancy!  (See how well that goes together?!)

I fantasize about what it would be like to be pregnant.  I fantasize about having a newborn baby to hold and raise just the way we want.  I fantasize about being called a mom.  Le sigh.  My newest fantasy is hearing Mary Kathryn say, “Hey, girl.  It’s Mary Kathryn.  Well…you’re pregnant.”  If you don’t know Mary Kathryn, you can’t imagine how it would sound coming out of her mouth, but when you’re one of her IVF girls, you know her voice almost better than you know your own husband’s.  I know exactly how it will sound, and I can’t wait to hear those words.  Only 2 measly more days.  Le sigh.
On another note, I thought I would give a few pointers about Progesterone shots for any of my IVF friends that are just now embarking upon this journey.  Obviously, I haven’t been blessed with taking this shot for an entire first trimester…yet.  However, I’ve had enough of them that we have figured out what works for me.  I do not think I’m an expert.  Just an expert on my shots.  J  These tricks may or may not work for you, but I’m giving some pointers to ask your nurse/doctor about.
1.       Ice before your shot.  I was told to heat before and after.  Then, I was told to ice before and heat after.  I have found that icing before the shot numbs the skin enough to cut the pain down substantially.
2.       Make sure to keep your weight off the foot on the side he’s shooting.  If you’re doing the right side, take all of the weight off the right foot, etc.  I can’t explain why, but this definitely helps.
3.       When your “nurse”/Mad Scientist Husband inserts the needle, have them do it quickly, flicking their wrist like they’re throwing a dart.  Slow insertion = painful insertion.  He doesn’t have to go all the way to the base of the needle with this motion.  Just get it started.  Trust me, it makes it feel more like a mosquito bite and less like torture.  J
4.       Heat after your shot.  Apply heat and rub the area.  This helps disperse the oil-based medication, so you don’t gets knots.

This won’t make the shots completely painless, but hopefully, my tips might help you.  I feel like Todd and I have mastered this shot, finally.  However, check back with me in a few weeks, and I may be singing a different tune about knots and bruises.  J

T.W.O M.O.R.E D.A.Y.S!!!

Shot Scoreboard:
1.       Sunday morning – 225IU Follistim
2.       Sunday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
3.       Monday morning – 225IU Follistim
4.       Monday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
5.       Tuesday morning – 225IU Follistim
6.       Tuesday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
7.       Wednesday morning – 225IU Follistim
8.       Wednesday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
9.       Thursday morning – 225IU Follistim
10.   Thursday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
11.   Friday morning – 225IU Follistim
12.   Friday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
13.   Saturday morning – 250mcg Ganirelix
14.   Saturday evening – 375IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
15.   Sunday morning – 250mcg Ganirelix
16.   Sunday evening – 375IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
17.   Monday morning – 250mcg Ganirelix
18.   Monday evening – Pregnyl, hCG trigger shot
19.   Wednesday evening – 0.5cc Progesterone
20.   Thursday evening – 0.5cc Progesterone
21.   Friday evening – 1cc Progesterone
22.   Saturday evening – 1cc Progesterone
23.   Sunday evening – 1cc Progesterone
24.   Monday evening – 1cc Progesterone
25.   Tuesday evening – 1cc Progesterone
26.   Wednesday evening – 1cc Progesterone
27.   Thursday evening – 2cc Progesterone
28.   Friday evening – 2cc Progesterone
29.   Saturday evening – 2cc Progesterone
30.   Sunday evening – 2cc Progesterone
31.   Monday evening – 2cc Progesterone

Monday, December 2, 2013

Benadryl Haze

Countdown:
Pregnancy test – 3 days

This blog entry is going to be all over the place, and I blame the Benadryl!

We had a pretty eventful week in the Provence house.  The kids came to Tulsa on Tuesday with Taylor (our 14-year old) having a cold.  By Wednesday evening, Kaleb (our 17-year old) wasn’t feeling well.  He ended up having the flu, so I spent Thursday through Sunday at my mom and dad’s.  My mother is a great nurse, though, so I felt very much at ease.  We had fun watching football all together when I could stay awake.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I think I took Taylor’s cold from her.  I was feeling pretty icky one and off on Friday and all day Saturday and Sunday.  I’m in a drug-induced haze right now.  I’m just worried about the embabies, but I hope they are okay.  The weekend culminated with the girls getting their first flu shots ever.  Todd and I have agreed this will become our duty for future flu seasons.

Friday evening, we went with my cousins and uncle to see Catching Fire.  I don’t think anyone liked it as much as Todd and I did.  Maybe it was because we read the books, but I highly recommend both.

Saturday morning, I did get to have breakfast with my sweet, funny friend, Ashleigh.  We talked and talked and talked and took up the waitress’ table.  When we finally checked, we realized we had been visiting for 2.5 hours!!  It was a perfect morning, though.  Thanks for taking the time to meet up with me, Ash!!

On another note, our final embryo did not progress far enough to be frozen.  Now, we just have to hope that the three inside of me are still growing and sticking.  As of today, implantation should be complete, and they are continuing to secrete hCG and developing into a fetus.  That’s so cool!!

I came home to my house last night to find that Todd and the kids had put up all of our interior Christmas decorations.  I was so pumped!!  He’s a good, good man.

See, I told you it was all over the place!

Shot Scoreboard:
1.       Sunday morning – 225IU Follistim
2.       Sunday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
3.       Monday morning – 225IU Follistim
4.       Monday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
5.       Tuesday morning – 225IU Follistim
6.       Tuesday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
7.       Wednesday morning – 225IU Follistim
8.       Wednesday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
9.       Thursday morning – 225IU Follistim
10.    Thursday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
11.    Friday morning – 225IU Follistim
12.     Friday evening – 225IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
13.     Saturday morning – 250mcg Ganirelix
14.     Saturday evening – 375IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
15.     Sunday morning – 250mcg Ganirelix
16.    Sunday evening – 375IU Repronex in 1cc sodium chloride
17.    Monday morning – 250mcg Ganirelix
18.    Monday evening – Pregnyl, hCG trigger shot
19.     Wednesday evening – 0.5cc Progesterone
20.    Thursday evening – 0.5cc Progesterone
21.     Friday evening – 1cc Progesterone
22.     Saturday evening – 1cc Progesterone
23.     Sunday evening – 1cc Progesterone
24.    Monday evening – 1cc Progesterone
25.    Tuesday evening – 1cc Progesterone
26.    Wednesday evening – 1cc Progesterone
27.    Thursday evening – 2cc Progesterone
28.    Friday evening – 2cc Progesterone
29.    Saturday evening – 2cc Progesterone
30.    Sunday evening – 2cc Progesterone