Sometime this weekend, those feelings changed to hopelessness. I officially had reached a point where I thought things may never be okay, again with this particular situation. I have had this same feeling in about a handful of situations in my life. That doesn’t make this any easier to handle. Each one of them have been different.
The major problem is that no matter what anyone says, we may never be able to have a baby. That is a fact. We will do whatever we can to make one or adopt one, but that doesn’t guarantee it will happen. (My mom even told me that she’s pretty convincing, so she’ll make sure we get a baby. This made me laugh. For anyone that knows my mother, you know this is pretty spot-on.) The truth is, though, it might not happen. This is one of the hardest realizations to which we have come. It disappoints Todd as much as it does me. This thought took away all of my hope. I started wondering if I would ever be able to enjoy normal social situations again without that constant twinge of jealousy.
Anyway, last night, I had another turning point. I went to my monthly Bunco group even though I really did not want to attend. I was afraid I was going to cry the entire night and make everyone very uncomfortable. I wanted to stay home and sulk. However, with Todd gone on business this week, I was afraid I may not come out of the pity party in time to go to work this morning. I decided to go and make the most of the evening, knowing that I could leave anytime I wanted and these ladies would understand. It turned out much better than I had even hoped. As we usually do, we ate, played Bunco, exchanged Christmas gifts, made lots of jokes and laughed, and even shared a few tears at the end of the night. I left my group of friends last night knowing that someday, I was going to be okay, again. I had renewed hope…not in the baby-gettin’ process, but in my future with or without a child. I have a girlfriend that tells me often how strong I am. I’ve never felt particularly strong. I definitely don’t feel strong right now. However, I know that someday, I will be. I’m pretty sure this is the type of journey that turns you into Wonder Woman – gold wristbands and all!
I read this quote today on a new blog that I’ve never read before:“Look, here is me, here are my scars, and I’m ok. And it’s ok to be not ok. Into every life, a little ‘not ok’ must fall. But I got up. I learned to walk. Then to thrive. Then to be fully alive. And if I can come out on the other side with grace, then anyone can.” – http://www.princessburlap.com/
I know that’s where I’m headed. I’m not saying I won’t still have moments when I start crying for no reason. Our therapist, Maribeth, told us that you feel things in 1/32 of a second. If you don’t know how quick that is, time how long it takes you to blink, and divide it by 4. I’m just guessing, but it’s stinkin’ fast. Basically, what that means to me is that my feelings are going to come when I least expect them and quicker than I can control them. It’s okay to feel them, though, because each day and each get-together with my friends and each back scratch from my mom and each hug from someone and each tear wiped away by my husband will be one moment closer to feeling okay, again.
I do have a great support group, and I love each and every one of you very much!! Just know that I’m sorry if I cry and make you feel uncomfortable. You’ll get over it, though. J I’m kidding. Just hug me and tell me you’re sorry. That’s all anyone can do right now.