Not-a-Mother Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is Sunday.  This time, last year, I was smack-dab in the middle of my first IVF cycle.  I think it’s funny to look back and wonder what I would have done differently if I had known what I know today.  Then, I start to wonder what things will look like a year from now.

Last year, Mother’s Day was a day of hope and promise for me.  I was certain that it was my last Mother’s Day without a child.  Boy, was I wrong.  I’m five days away from this joyous holiday, and honestly, I’m just dreading it.  We are 3 ½ years into this journey of infertility, and this will definitely be the hardest “Not a Mother” Mother’s Day that I’ve ever had.

Some people say, “But you are a mother.”  Being a stepmom is different.  Your stepkids don’t remember to call you on Mother’s Day.  They don’t wake you with breakfast in bed or take you to lunch.  They have a mother, someone you never would think of trying to replace.

This year will be a different lineup of activities for the day, though.  Todd and I will actually be in Arkansas, where the kids live.  We will actually get to see them, maybe even hug them.  It will be a day of celebration.  Kaleb, our 17-year old, has decided to dedicate his life to Christ, so we will be attending their church for his baptism.  I’m so elated for him and this decision.  He’s an awesome kid, and I can’t wait to watch him stand in the baptismal with that huge, cheesy grin of his that makes me smile.

Maybe Sunday will have more peace than I’m feeling, now.  At the least, I will get to see my stepkids for an hour that morning, even if it is from a distance.  I will be able to wave to them and blow them a little kiss.  With any luck, I’ll get an opportunity to hug each of their necks and tell them I love them.

Please, dear God, help me not to completely break down in tears when I see them.

And maybe next year, my void will be filled.  Maybe next Mother’s Day, I will be a mother.

Chazown – My Purpose

Chazown (pronounced khaw-ZONE) from the Hebrew, meaning a dream, revelation, or vision.

Several weeks ago, Todd and I had the opportunity to attend a seminar called Chazown at church.  The point of the seminar was to help you find your purpose in life.  Going into it, I was certain I was about to face one of my fears…that engineering isn’t my “calling.”  I just knew I was going to leave Saturday afternoon and tell Todd that I needed to quit my job and start working for a non-profit organization.  I was so wrong.  Instead, I realized that my purpose is to help those that are fighting the fertility battle to find joy in life.  (I still think there is a bigger life for me after engineering, but for now, it helps pay those IVF bills!)

I. am. so. excited.

I met with the LifeGroups pastor yesterday, and I should be ready to start a support group for women like me within next 2 weeks.  (For any of you Tulsa-area girls, I would love for you to join us.  If you don’t or haven’t suffered from any fertility issues but know someone who has, please, direct them to me.  This is not limited to those that use IVF treatments; I think that all types of fertility issues have things in common we can share.  You do not need to attend LifeChurch to be a part of this group, either.)  I will be leading the effort, and we will take it in the direction that is best for everyone involved.  I just think this is going to be an awesome, much needed outlet for those that deal with these issues on a daily basis.

We need this support!  Personally, I have been lucky to have friends that have gone down this path before me, but not everyone has that type of support group.  Fortunately, I have watched many of them leave these challenges behind, as well as watch my "more fertile" friends start their families.  It's hard for those that have left these challenges in the past to always remember the depth of the pain felt; they get busy with their new children or just with life, in general.  It's even more difficult for those that haven't been down this road to empathize.  When you’re still in the middle of the battle, you can sometimes start to feel left behind.  I want to start this group so everyone can have shoulders to cry on and friends to remind them that they aren’t alone.

Last night, I received a message from a dear friend that knows fertility challenges all too well.  (I won’t share too much of her personal details without her permission.)  She’s the type of person that everyone loves and wants the best for.  She was a very good supporter and encourager for me during both of my cycles.  Anyway, she has run into an unexpected struggle with fertility that she wanted to share.  Unfortunately, she lives an hour-and-a-half from me, so I couldn’t hug her.  As soon as I saw the message, I knew that all I could do was to cry for her and pray for her.  My heart was just broken.  Then, it dawned on me that this new group can provide for other women those hugs and those prayers and those tears from friends that truly understand.  She reminded me why I think this is so important.  (Thank you, friend, for trusting me with your story.  I’m sending you virtual hugs and lots of prayers!)

I really can’t wait to get this group going, and I hope that anyone reading this blog will pass along my contact information to those that may benefit from these newfound friendships.

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On a romantic note, I am certain that I married the man that God made for me.  On Saturday, we went to see Heaven is For Real.  It was a powerful movie for me.  One thing it left me wondering is if we have a child in Heaven waiting for us to come Home.  I asked Todd this question as we were climbing into bed that night.  He reassured me that he thought we did.  Although we may have not been pregnant for very long last May, the doctors assure us that we were indeed pregnant.  Therefore, there is a little soul that found its way to Heaven.  This comforts me.  There is a child that is half Todd and half me spending their days playing with cousins and an aunt or uncle.  Even if God doesn’t bless us with a biological child on Earth, we have someone special we will get to meet when we arrive in Heaven.  This thought brings me peace.

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On a sweet note about our church babies, I realized in Chazown that my second purpose in life is to work with kids.  I had already started to fulfill this purpose by teaching the 3-year olds in church with Todd.  Each week, I hope I bring a smile to some of those kids’ faces with my silly dances and high-fives when they answer a question correctly.  I know they make me smile and laugh…and occasionally gag when I have to wipe a snotty nose.  J  This upcoming Sunday, Todd and I will be out of town, and I am actually sad…like really sad…that I’m going to miss seeing their little faces.  Anyway, this past Friday, I had the chance to lead 2 extra classes for Easter weekend.  Todd was headed to get the kids, so I volunteered alone.  As I stepped into my second class, which happened to be our regular class, one of our little girls was in there.  I was so excited to see her.  I bent down to give her a hug, and she looked at me with sad eyes and said, “Where’s Todd?”  It just melted my heart in all the right ways.  She knew one of our names, and she was sad that half of our dynamic duo was missing.  <content sigh>

 

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One a similar note, just a short week after Chazown, Jessah, at Dreaming of Dimples posted a blog entry called, what are you doing for others?  I thought it was pretty timely!

Answered Prayers

For a while now, I’ve been struggling with my religion.  It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s something I want to be able to admit aloud and to myself.  For many reasons, I’ve felt as if God had turned his back on Todd and me over the last few years.  Failing IVF cycles does not help that feeling.

We moved back to Tulsa in 2010.  Since then, we have half-heartedly searched for a church.  We tried a few churches in Jenks and my childhood church.  We tried some of them multiple times.  We really wanted one close to home, but we also wanted one where we felt at home.  We had heard of an outfit called LifeChurch.tv.  However, for years, we were unwilling to try it because we knew the pastor was broadcast in from the home church in Edmond, Oklahoma.  We would say, “How in the world can you feel a connection to a pastor that is an hour-and-a-half away from you when he preaches?!”  Then, LifeChurch opened a new location just outside my parents’/sister’s neighborhood, which is just over 3 miles away from us.  My sister and her boys started attending and something told us to just check it out. 

Oh. My. Word. Craig. Groeschel.  If you haven’t heard this man preach a sermon, you should treat yourself at least one time.  There is something about him.  I can’t even really describe how he transforms words and talks directly to me.  I’m pretty sure he’s been studying my life and has tailored every sermon I’ve heard from him to fit my needs.  There is a long-running joke that I make to Todd that the denomination he was raised in is a cult.  (It’s just a joke, so don’t take offense if you know what that denomination is and attend.  The joke is strictly based on how Todd knows someone at any church we attend, no matter where in the country we are.  It’s crazy cool…and very cult-like.  J)  Anyway, I told Todd after a seminar at church last weekend that if Craig handed me a cup of Kool-Aid, I would gladly drink it.  The man is powerful to me.  Now, don’t start wondering if I’m starting to worship Craig.  I just love listening to him preach.

All of that being said, my sister was the one that brought us to LifeChurch (thank you, Jenny), and Craig was the one that kept us coming back.  Plus, I really love the worship style because I feel like I can dance and sing loud and no one cares.  It’s very much the concert-type worship, but I love every moment of it.  Sometimes, when I put my hands out, I can feel the energy just seeping into me.

Around January of this year, Todd and I really got serious about going every week.  We didn’t like missing Craig’s sermons.  Our only problem was that we didn’t truly feel at home because it was so big and we were bouncing around between services so often.  For months, I had been feeling like we were missing out on something more.  We decided to join a LifeGroup for blended families.  That was the start of the snowball.  We are now teaching 3-year olds every Sunday at 8:30 a.m.  Then, we attend the 10 a.m. worship.  Last, we greet at the front doors at 11:30 a.m.  The blessings we are receiving from the time we are giving are more than I can explain.  My cup runneth over.

First of all, our babies!  We have the cutest 3-year olds in the Tulsa area.  I wish I could post pictures, but I’m sure their parents would not appreciate that.  However, I’ll tell you that their hugs and their touches and their attention starts my week off in ways I haven’t felt in years.  These kids pose challenges that we have to face each week, mostly about how to get them to watch our 20-minute “movie” and answer at least one question correctly.  Did you know that one of their daddies actually built the ark?!  See?  I tell you…precious!  One of the boys squeals when he gets excited.  I must admit that I’ve been tempted to squeal along with him, but that might push Todd over the edge.

I think I’ve already explained how service has touched me.

Greeting.  I thought it would be the smiles I got from dozens of people heading into church that would be the game changer here.  However, that doesn’t even begin to touch Shayna.  Shayna is our new friend that we met the second time we were “on the job.”  She suffered from infertility for years and is now a proud mom of a beautiful, 7-year old boy.  Shayna’s advice, friendship, and love have hit me deep down.  I’m so very grateful for God bringing her to me.  (I have another story about how God put her in my path at a different event, but that will be in the next post.)

We have finally found a church where we are sublimely happy.  <sigh of relief>  We plan things around being there for our serving times.  As I said earlier, we went to a seminar at church last weekend about finding your purpose in life.  (After a call with a pastor tomorrow, I’ll be more prepared to share the details on that.)

God may have not answered our prayers for a healthy baby just yet, but He’s definitely answered our prayers to show us He’s still there…working His little magic on His timeline!

Free IVF Book Download & No New Information

Yay!  I love free stuff, and I love to read.  This is the best offer of the week.  Sweet Jessah at Dreaming of Dimples is offering a free download of a book to help increase your IVF chances.  I know there is a lot of information on “The Internets” about this subject.  However, if Jessah says it’s a good book, I trust her.  This girl knows IVF!  I'm pretty sure that if she told me that jumping off a bridge would get me pregnant, you would find me floating in the Arkansas River tomorrow.  I’ll be reading this ASAP!  http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2014/03/how-to-improve-ivf-success-free-download.html

On another note, sorry I’ve been MIA again.  We took the kids skiing in Colorado last week for their Spring Break.  Plus, I feel completely overwhelmed at work.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to do a recap of our trip soon because there isn’t much new information on our IVF journey to write about.  We are still waiting for financial information from Tulsa Fertility Center.  They are trying to put together a package deal for us because this next round is going to be so pricey, and insurance covers a big, whopping 0%-goose egg of our expenses.

Hope everyone in blog world is doing well.  If you’re bored, come on down to Okmulgee, Oklahoma, and help me complete some projects!

Cracked Door

Well, God didn’t quite open or close that door for us on Thursday.  Le sigh.  I’m sorry that I didn’t write earlier, but work has been busy.  Plus, we decided to take a weekend off from IVF.  I must admit, it was pretty fantastic!

Basically, Todd’s testosterone levels came back pretty close to normal.  They measured several hormone levels for me, and the report showed below average.  They are recommending we do several retrieval cycles and bank the embryos that are good.  Then, we’ll do a frozen embryo transfer.  Plus, they are recommending we do genetic testing on the embryos.  What does all of this mean, you might ask?

Well, from what I understand, what will happen is that we will stimulate my ovaries like before with all of the shots, retrieve my eggs, and fertilize them.  All of that will be the same.  Then, on day 3 after fertilization, they will biopsy a single cell of each embryo for the genetic testing.  (More on that in a minute.)  For those that are chromosomally normal, they will either do a fresh embryo transfer or freeze them until we are ready for a transfer.  If they have at least 2 or 3 good ones on the first round, we will probably do a fresh transfer and save some time and money.  However, if they don’t get enough on the first cycle, we’ll start again the next month with stimulating, retrieving, fertilizing, “biopsy-ing.”  We will repeat this cycle until we have 2 or 3 good embryos frozen and then schedule a frozen embryo transfer (FET) for the following cycle I can make.

I was asked a lot of good questions from my bestie today, so I’m putting some of those answers here:

Isn’t a fresh transfer better than a frozen?

Some places, fresh transfers are more successful than frozen, and some places, vice versa.  Most places have started getting much better at frozen transfers, though.  Tulsa Fertility Center has success rates that are equal with fresh and frozen transfers.  Therefore, we aren’t too concerned about that part with them.  We are trusting that they are not misleading us on this.

How quickly can we do the retrievals each time?

The retrievals will hopefully be month after month.  I have to have a period between each one.  However, if my cycle falls at a funny time for when TFC does retrievals, I could end up with one in August and the next in October.  Fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.

What is the genetic testing for?

They will be testing for chromosomal abnormalities.  Basically, any abnormality that can be tested for.  Embryos with abnormalities tend to have less of a chance of becoming a viable pregnancy.

Sometimes, they find an abnormality that they have never seen, and they have to use a geneticist to do research to find out what it means.  They have one couple that is on an estimated 6-month wait to see what their abnormality means because it’s so rare.  The geneticist has put it out on boards and forums across the world to figure out if anyone knows what it means.  We could find out things like the embryo “looks” good to an embryologist but has zero percent chance of being a viable pregnancy.  We could find out that the abnormality will be fatal to a born child.  We could find out that the baby would have Downs Syndrome or Turner Syndrome.  Don’t ask me if we would implant those because I haven’t even begun to think about that, yet.  J  I mean the Downs and Turner embryos.  It’s more than I can bare right now to consider purposefully bringing a child into the world that will absolutely, without a doubt be sterile (Turner).  When she told us what it was, I broke down in the office.  I can’t imagine putting my child through what we are going through just so I can have a baby.  Anyway, I have to move on from that thought for now.

There will be a lot of information from the genetic testing.  It could be very helpful, but it does not guarantee success.  There are so many other issues that could still cause the embabies not to stick.  Le sigh.

Also, the genetic testing only has a 1-3% chance of damaging the embryo.  Not bad odds compared to the others we face.

What is the change in cost from this to what we have done?

The cost goes up to approximately $41,700 for 2 retrievals and 1 frozen embryo transfer from what Todd and I have calculated.  This price is assuming we only do 2 retrievals.  The cost goes up because of the multiple retrievals and shots.  Then, FET is more expensive than fresh transfers because they have a freezing and thawing-out process that has to be added to the mix.  Plus, we have Todd’s process, again.  On top of that, genetic testing is $5,000 for each set of embryos they test.  We will bump our savings plan up to $45,000, so we don’t have any surprises we can’t afford, and I can get relaxation therapy without worrying about the cost of it…plus my vitamins.

I only share the financial information because I know there are some ladies out there that are considering doing this, too.  In my opinion, it’s nice to hear all of the details from someone on our side and in Layman’s terms.

 

Jessah (http://www.dreamingofdimples.com), if you happen to be reading this, isn’t this what you just did at CCRM?  Can you give me any more insight to things I may not be considering?  I have to admit that I’m pretty scared right now!

If anyone else has any other questions, please, leave them in the comments for me.  I want this blog to be full of as much information as possible.

As always, please, pray for us right now.

The results are in...

...dim the lights.  (My American Idol knock-off.)

The results for blood work for both of us came in today.  We got the call that they want to consult with us at 9:30.  We should be finding out how we are both doing on egg/sperm production.  Please, pray for us that God makes this next decision very obvious.  We would like him to swing that door wide open or shut it real hard.

I'll do my best to post tomorrow on what we learned.  Until then...

Seacrest, out!  (See what I did there?)

Goodbye, 32!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Wow, that was profound.  I can’t believe I just made that up all on my own.  J

I can still remember last year on this day thinking that 32 was going to be the best age of all of them thus far.  It was going to be the year God gave us a baby.  Instead, God had different plans; 32 taught me a lot of lessons…a lot.  I’m pretty sure that 32 was the most difficult age thus far.  Man, I hope that in the distant future, I can say it was the most difficult of my life.

However, today is a new day and a new age.  I can say that I survived 32.  I made it to 33…something special has to happen when you’re repeating digits, right?!  I am officially leaving behind the year of failures and looking forward to a year of new beginnings.  Who’s with me?!

Who knew Taylor Swift was a genius? J

P.S.  Here's to hoping e-cards don't go out of style this year.  I'm kind of addicted.