I Don’t Want To Be Special

*****WARNING:  I’m in a pretty low spot right now, so this isn’t going to be very happy-go-lucky...or funny...or clever...or probably enjoyable at all for you to read.  This is more for me needing to vent.  Now that I'm finished writing it, I do feel a little better.

Yesterday, I went to see Dr. McKinney for a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) and trial transfer (TT).  The TT is just a procedure to make sure she knows how far the catheter can be inserted into my uterus during the actual transfer.  It’s uncomfortable, but it’s bearable.  The SIS is a test to see if my uterus has any polyps, major endometriosis scar tissue, or other abnormalities that could keep the embryos from successfully implanting.  It is similar to an HSG test I had run early last year with Dr. Bundren.  The major differences are that the HSG looks at the fallopian tubes and uterus, and the SIS just looks at the uterus.  Plus, the HSG uses an x-ray, and the SIS uses an ultrasound machine.  The major similarity is that they are both extremely painful.  This is easily the second worst pain I can remember feeling in my life.  (The first was the pain from the gas left in my abdominal cavity after my laparoscopy in August of 2012.  It literally felt as if my ribs were slowly cracking.)  I, officially, hate the SIS.  If I have to do one again, I don’t know what I will do.  Somehow, I had forgotten how bad the HSG was, but it all came flooding back to me when she began the procedure.  The real kicker?  There was a vent above my head and hanging out inside was my worst nightmare…a spider.  I had to keep watching him to make sure he wasn’t going to escape into the room.  It was just awful.  I could not be happier that all of that is past me.

That was a physical pain yesterday.  Today was an emotional pain.  I have been having recurring episodes of fear that we are not going down the right path with using Dr. McKinney.  Last week, I had a terrible bout of this fear, and after talking to Todd and a couple of friends, I was feeling much more certain that we were on the right path. 

Tonight, I had all of those feelings, again.  I had to go to an IVF class tonight at a boutique hotel here in Tulsa.  Todd has been out of town since early, early Monday morning, but I was lucky enough to get my friend and fellow infertile, Kacy (www.1stcomesloveblog.wordpress.com), to go with me.  (The funny part is that Kacy and I both think the other couples in the room tonight are sitting at home wondering if we were a couple, too.  J  Kacy starts her first IVF cycle with Dr. Bundren tomorrow, so it was nice to have someone sitting beside me that is literally in the same boat as me.)  Anyway, I sat there listening to them tonight and finding myself starting to doubt, again.  It was like a rollercoaster for me.  One minute, I was thinking how this was a great decision to use Dr. McKinney/Tulsa Fertility Center.  The next minute, I was wondering if this was a huge mistake.  However, I didn’t allow myself to break down…until I got home.

Once in the confines of my bedroom, I began to cry.  Having Todd away has probably made all of this worse.  I am consumed with fear and doubt and sadness.  I have been praying to God over and over to give me a sign that we are headed in the right direction.  Todd made a joke that the spider in the room during my procedure yesterday was a sign.  Yesterday, TFC informed us that one of Todd’s procedures would not be included in our package deal, adding $3,185 to our budget.  Today, the pharmacy called to tell me that each round of IVF meds is going to cost $2,800 over what we budgeted; that’s a potential of $5,600 more than what we planned.  Are these signs from God?  How am I supposed to know?

Tonight, the IVF financial coordinator found out who I was and said, “Oh, you’re the special case.”  I don’t want to be special anymore.  I don’t want to need a special contract to be able to do IVF.  I don’t want to need $2,800 more in meds for this cycle.  I don’t want to have to ask off work for a dozen appointments.  I don’t want to have to do IVF to get pregnant.  I don’t want to be like 1 in 8 couples that struggle with infertility.  I don’t want to take 18 pills a day to make sure my folic acid and calcium levels are high enough.  I don’t want to have to tone-down my workouts during another cycle.  I don’t want to need a therapist to talk to about these issues.  I don’t want to have to spend excessive amounts of money on relaxation therapy to help me stay stress-free.  I don’t want to have to plan my life around IVF.

I just want a baby.  On days like today, it feels like that’s too much to ask.