Thursday, October 23, 2014

I feel so much...

I feel so much today.  Yesterday was the start of our fourth IVF cycle.  I can’t believe we are actually here.

I can still remember when we started the first IVF cycle, and I was certain that I was about to become pregnant with twins. 

After the first cycle, I believed that I just needed to let my body get “kick started” before a pregnancy would last.

Third cycle, I was beginning to wonder if this would ever happen for us.

This time, I’m starting to think that a biological child isn’t in God’s cards.  I wish I could say that I’m okay with that because it’s His planHiHi, but I’m struggling to be okay with that.  Giving up the dream of having a child that is half you and half your husband is a very difficult thing for some of us.  You marry your husband for a multitude of reasons, and several of those revolve around how he will make beautiful, thoughtful, selfless, gracious, Christian people with his amazing good looks.  Then, you realize that it may not be your reality.

I do still have hope that we will have a baby someday, but I’m not sure if they will be genetically ours.  Maybe they will be genetically one of ours or made from a complete stranger.  Only God knows at this point.  I have never had a message from God that Todd and I will someday be biological parents.  This lack of knowledge causes me to feel so much.

What I do know is that I will just have to continue to pray and have faith in His plan.

I actually think that I’m going to not pay attention to the number or size of follicles this cycle.  I’m just going to pray that God does His will.  If something isn’t correct, the doctor will let me know by cancelling the cycle.  If everything goes as planned, they will continue to perform ultrasounds.  Besides, the number and size of follicles can be excellent and a pregnancy still doesn’t occur; they can be on the lower end and a pregnancy does occur.  God doesn’t care about the numbers, as my friend Allison told me last cycle.

This cycle, I will focus on trusting God.  Simple as that.  Except, sometimes it isn’t so simple.  When you want something so bad that it causes your body to ache when you think about it, it’s hard to let go and let God.  I have to, though.  It’s the only way all of this will work.

I just have so many feelings about all of this.  I wish I was more confident.

8 comments:

  1. What a great way to put it! I feel so much too... it is hard to describe what at any given time. Praying so hard for you!

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    1. Yes, Allison. It really is hard to describe. It's just emotional. I started crying when talking to my mother-in-law the other night, and I couldn't explain why. I just needed that release.

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  2. Such a real and heart-wrenching post, my dear... It captures what many of us feel but is rarely addressed...the desire not just to have a child, but for it to be OF THE TWO of you, half and half. Well done.

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  3. LOVE this quote! Praying for you Laura! Believing BIG things for this cycle!!!

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    1. Thank you, Caroline. I appreciate your prayers so very, very much!!

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  4. I've been thinking about you! Sending my prayers up for you. I believe he is hearing us loud and clear. I love that quote! Trust God!

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    1. Thank you, Chelsea! I believe He is hearing us, too.

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