My Quest for Faith

January 20, 2014, I can remember standing in the parking lot of a CVS in central Dallas after one of three consultations that we were having with new Reproductive Endocrinologists, AKA “IVF doctors,” from Dallas to St. Louis.  Todd and I were alone and having one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had in my life.  I was struggling with my faith.  I began to feel as if God had left us to fight this fertility battle on our own.  I was beginning to doubt Him.  It was a low point for me.  Todd didn’t understand it.  He didn’t feel it.  His faith was surviving while mine was not.

It was at that point that we made some drastic changes.  We stopped talking about how we needed to go to church more often, and we did it.  We stopped talking about how it would be fun to join a LifeGroup, and we did it.  We stopped talking about how we should probably start getting involved in the church, and we did it.  We even went above the plan, attended our first Chazown seminar, and I started my Infertile Myrtles LifeGroup.

That conversation in the CVS parking lot was a pivotal moment in my life.

I started this year in a very different way.  Unfortunately, I was in similar but deeper anguish as I was starting 2014.  However, I handled it different.  I made a promise to start a new habit that would build my faith instead of tearing it down; I began reading the Bible daily.

One of the first tasks I completed was to pick my word for the year.  I have read several blogs about other’s words, so I thought it was time that I share mine.  After much study and prayer, I have felt that God is leading me to the word “trust.”  Duh.  I should have been able to figure that one out on my own.

Instead of making resolutions this year, I simply decided to start working on trusting God in everything I do. 

·         When I get sad about our situation…

·         When I start doubting that we will ever have a child or that I will find my joy…

·         When I don’t know what to do next…

·         When I feel I’m failing at being a stepmother…

·         When a friendship is struggling…

·         When work is overwhelming…

·         When I’m feeling unhappy with my body…

…I will stop and tell God about it.  Then, I trust that He will take care of us and that His plan is far better than any plan we could make for ourselves.

I’m still new at this and trying to remember this plan when the waves start rocking my boat.  However, I’m not perfect, yet.  This is just where I’m headed.  This is my goal for the year.

Feel free to help hold me accountable.  If you talk to me and I’m struggling, feel free to remind me that I need to stop, give it to God, and trust that He will take care of us.

 

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I am participating in a link-up with this blog today:  Deep Roots During Infertility

In case you would like to copy & paste the address:  http://www.amateurnester.com/2015/01/deep-roots-infertility.html