Friday, June 7, 2013

We Wasted the Good Surprise on You!

For the life of me, I can’t find a decent YouTube clip or picture of the scene in Big Daddy when the roommate’s girlfriend says to Adam Sandler, “We wasted the good surprise on you!”  Therefore, if you haven’t seen it, well, you’re missing out.  It’s perfect for this scenario because we did some great surprises with my family and received some great reactions when our pregnancy test was positive.  However, none of them really count, now.

The first question I want to address today is what a chemical pregnancy is.  Basically, it’s a miscarriage before the fifth week of gestation.  The embabies were definitely starting to hatch and secrete hCG, which is why I had a positive pregnancy test.  I was actually pregnant.  However, they never fully latched onto my uterine lining.
·         9dp5dt, my hCG level was 21. 
·         15dp5dt, my hCG level was 5.
·         16dp5dt, my hCG level was 1.

The last beta test was what told Dr. Bundren it was chemical and not an ectopic pregnancy.  On 9dp5dt, they were still hoping it would turn into a viable pregnancy.  It did not.  The one difference between a chemical pregnancy and a clinical pregnancy is that the chemical pregnancy miscarriage does not require a D&C to remove the embryo.

We are already moving onto the next steps in order to help deal with our grieving.  Within the next 2 weeks, we’ll go back for a doctor visit & the “WTF meeting” (thanks for that term, Carri…love it) to discuss what possibly went wrong and what we’ll do differently next time.  The next cycle will probably be in August.  Mary Kathryn told me yesterday that July was too hot for a cycle.  That doesn’t make sense to me since August seems to be the hottest month of the year, but she’s the expert.

As far as how we’re doing, we’re surviving.  When I told my boss what happened and asked if I could leave yesterday, his response was, “Well, if you’re going to cry like that all day, I guess.”  Isn’t he a peach?!

The one thing Todd and I always try to do is find the silver linings in situations.  Now, you may think that’s a little early to be doing right now, but you have to realize that we’ve been dealing with this situation for 9 days.  Therefore, I started a list of things I can do to get me through this loss.  However, I would like to preface this list by saying that I would rather have a baby growing in my belly than to do any of these things:
1.       Stop Progesterone shots…my bruised, itchy, numb rear and panties ruined from Sharpie stains thank me!  J
2.       Eat sushi
3.       Take a vacation
4.       Drink pop & Starbucks…but just this weekend
5.       Go back to boot camp
6.       Lose some more weight – maybe God is trying to tell me I’m too much of a “fatty-fatty-two-by-four” for a healthy pregnancy  J
7.       Go to my cousin’s wedding next weekend without restrictions
8.       Spend more of our savings – What else do we need that for?!

Being at work for 10 hours today is starting to wear on me.  I’m pretty pumped to get out of here, but I don’t know if we’ll be going to dinner with friends tonight or curling up on the couch together.  Whatever I do, I’ll be with Todd, my rock.

I really don’t want to make this entry too sad, but there is one thing I can’t leave here without posting.  I’m not sure if I’ve talked about my friend, Ashleigh, on here.  We knew each other in college but had lost touch since I graduated.  The wonderful Mr. Zuckerberg reunited us.  When I posted an entry about “Sticky Thoughts,” she left a very clever list of all of the sticky things she could think of.  It really made me laugh.  Anyway, we have really formed a good friendship since we got back in touch; actually, we’re closer than we ever were in college.  Yesterday, she sent me the sweetest message, and I just want to share an excerpt from it:
Last night I laid in bed and was thinking of you and the embabies and found myself reciting three times:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord their souls to keep
And if they should die before she wakes
I pray thee Lord their souls to take
And if they should live for other days
I pray the Lord will guide their ways.
You know what?  I think they're up in heaven, and now having known you so well, are hand-picking the souls that you will come to know and cherish as your own.

For being an Engineer, this girl is good with words!  J  That prayer even brought tears to Todd’s eyes, and he’s been pretty strong through this entire process.

To everyone that sent kind thoughts, prayers, and beautiful flowers to us yesterday, thank you.  I can’t thank all of you enough for the support you’ve given us!  Even though it was hard to tell our friends and family the bad news, I was glad to have the responses flooding back in with love and prayers.  It reminded me why I have chosen not to keep our journey a secret.  We appreciate you all more than we’ll ever be able to tell you!