I pull up into the garage, load myself down with the bags and purses that I require to get through my day, and head into our mudroom. As I step into the kitchen, I sing out the kindest “hello” that I can muster after another long day at the office. The kids respond with a mixture of chipper and muttered hellos. Then, they return to what they were doing before I came home, leaving me to wonder if they even missed me at all that day.
When the kids are at their mom’s house, I’ll try to text with them. It’s hit or miss if I get a response. When I do get a response , it’s almost always like pulling teeth to communicate:Me: Hi, how was your day?
Me: Do anything fun?
Teen: Not really.
Me: Have anything fun planned for tonight?
Teen: Not really.
Me: Did you talk to that boy you like?
Me: Would you like me to leave you alone?
Teen: That would be nice.
Okay, I made-up the last two lines, but you get the gist.
Phone calls or texting me first? Never happens unless they need something.
Pictures of us on Instagram together? I’m averaging two a year but only with one kid.
This is how communication with my teenagers has looked for approximately the last 4 years when the first one received a cell phone.
This is how communication with God has looked for over 33 years.
Driving home yesterday, I realized that I am just like these teenagers. Overall, I am a good person just as they are good kids. Deep down, I want God to shower me with blessings; I’m pretty sure these kids are very content when special gifts are given to them. However, one of the things that breaks my heart day after day is the exact same thing that I’m doing to God.
I’m ignoring him.
How often do I really sit in conversation with God? How often do I stop talking and try to hear what He wants to tell me? How often do I call him first and without needing anything? How often do I post something on social media about my relationship with Him? The answer is…even less than my kids do with me.The difference? They are teenagers. This is what teenagers do. I am an adult that calls myself a Christian. I just expect God to be there for me whenever I need him. However, if it’s not convenient for me, I don’t go out of my way to make sure I am in communication. When I enter His house, I definitely sing out His name and give Him attention. I even sit there every. single. Sunday. and think about how I’m going to make changes this week and really start that Bible study Mom bought me back in January. Then, I walk out the doors of church and change nothing.
My priorities are all wrong.
I’m scared, though. I’m scared that if I change, what will that mean? Will He ask me to do things that are uncomfortable for me? Could He possibly give me a new direction to my life that doesn’t fit the path I had planned? Will I ask Him for something but not have strong enough faith for Him to answer my call? Will I have any friends that start to avoid me because I’m becoming “too religious?” I’m scared of all of these things.
Most of all, I’m scared I won’t be good enough. I’m scared that I will tell people how I want to be a God-fearing woman. I want to have 100% faith that God will give me the one thing that I’ve always dreamt of. However, if I tell everyone that what I’m going to do is to fear Him and have that blind faith, what happens if I stumble? What if I say something wrong? I will be judged. I know how this works. I’ve seen people point and scoff at Christians that are human.
It’s time, though. It’s time for me to say a prayer, take a deep breath, and take that next step. After all, what I have been doing isn’t working for me…or for Him.