Broken

This is, without a doubt, the hardest post I have written thus far, and I’m going to be completely honest with how I feel.  (And hope this is therapeutic for me.)

Todd and I made a decision to tell everyone our pregnancy (beta) test was today, so we could surprise everyone with the great news when we received it yesterday.  Unfortunately, there is no great news to share.  Instead, it’s all awful news. 

Last cycle, when we received the news that we had miscarried, we were hopeful for the next cycle to work.  Once again, a little more of that hope has been dashed away from us.  Our second cycle did not work at all.  There is no reason why.  We are just on the bad side of the odds.  My eggs seem to be the problem.  However, we can’t be sure about that.  Dr. Bundren says we have done everything we can to increase the quality of my eggs.  At this point, he isn't encouraging or discouraging another cycle.  We do have to wait 6 months, though, to allow my body time to heal.

I’m heartbroken.  There is really no other word to describe it.  I hear everyone tell me that God has a plan for us.  However, it’s hard to believe it right now.  I’m sad.  I’m confused.  I’m angry.  When the Bible tells you to be fruitful and multiply, why would God make it so difficult for a couple like us?  We want a baby so bad that it hurts.  We are able and willing to care for a child for the rest of their life.  So why not give us one?  I hear you when you say this isn't the right time.  He has a different plan.  That doesn't make it any easier, though.  I’m just being honest.  Has He given us the three that He had planned for us?  Does He want us to adopt?  What if His plan is for us to not have anymore children at all?

Right now, I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest, and Melissa McCarthy has done a Mexican Hat Dance on it.  (See how I defer my pain?  Doesn't help that we just watched The Heat.)  In all seriousness, this is a pain I have never felt.  I’m not a control freak, but I do like feeling in control of my life.  In all areas of my life, I feel like I can change the direction I want it to go…except this.  I feel helpless.  Maybe that’s His plan.  God has blessed us immensely in our lives.  I have a husband who isn’t perfect, and neither am I…what we are is perfect for each other.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what I did to deserve him.  Our kids are awesome.  Our careers are going great.  We have wonderful family and friends that have provided us the utmost support.  But, we can’t have the one thing we feel is missing.  We aren't young pups anymore, either.  Waiting three to five years to adopt a baby feels like a century.  Waiting another six months to do another IVF cycle feels like forever.  My emotional cache is running dry.

Hello, God.  It’s me, Laura.  Feeling a little broken here.  Just asking for a baby.  Can you hear me?!

What will we do?  For now, “just keep swimming.”  (Thanks for the reminder today, Ash.)