Monday, January 13, 2014

Say Something


I realized last week why I had stopped blogging this last month.  As I had said, I started several blog entries in my head during that time.  However, I never started putting any of them on paper.  This blog entry was a prominent one that I kept thinking about how to write.  It’s something I want to share, but I also don’t want to sound sacrilegious.  As you can see, I’m going to take my chances.

I don’t know if anyone else finds meaning in songs like I do.  Sometimes, they are really farfetched, but I don’t care.  If I find a new song that has any meaning to me, I just go with it.  I love connecting to music.

Almost 2 weeks after we found out IVF round 2 didn’t work, I spent the day in Broken Arrow at the plant I used to work.  At the end of the day, I talked to a fellow co-worker for about 30 minutes about what had happened with IVF and my broken heart.  I confessed to him that I was struggling with my faith because I felt as if God had forgotten about me.

On the way home, this song came on the radio.

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"Say Something"
by A Great Big World, featuring Christina Aguilera

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

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(Now, by no means had I given up on the fact that God exists, even if I’ve questioned it; I choose to live by the motto that I would rather live my life believing He exists and die to find out He doesn’t than to live my life believing He doesn’t exist and die to find out He does.)

I immediately began sobbing.  All I could think was that this was how I was feeling about God.
And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Small and irrelevant is how I was feeling God saw me…or didn’t.  I was feeling more confused and helpless and out of control than ever before.  All I wanted was to be able to fix all of this, and I thought that if I could ever find my way back into God’s graces, maybe things would start to become easier to handle, or at least understand.

For the next few days, I allowed myself to listen to this song on repeat and cry and cry and cry.  It started to become healing.

One night, Todd was asking if I had seen the song’s video.  I told myself that we were having a fun night, so I would watch it and not allow my mind to wander to thoughts of God, meaning I would end up in a mess of tears.  I just watched it and did a darn good job not thinking or crying.  However, when the video was over, I turned to look at Todd and found tears streaming down his face.  Within a matter of minutes, I was curled up in his chest in sobs.  I think the song held different meanings for us at the time, but he was feeling my pain the way I was feeling it.  Sometimes, the most unexpected cries are the ones that leave me with the most peace.  And the best cries come in the arms of the one that crawls into the valley with you.

Since then, I’ve been asking God a lot of questions.  I have started my search to figure out some answers I never had and some answers I didn’t realize I was looking for until recently.  Less importantly, I stopped listening to “Say Something.”  Although it had been healing at one point, I had decided I needed to do less crying and more surviving.

About a week ago, I wanted to hear the song, so I put it on repeat during one of my drives to work.  Without warning, the song changed meaning for me.  Now, when I hear it, I feel as if it’s how I feel about our unconceived child.
And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

There are some days that I start to wonder if we have reached the end of our road for this journey.  I still don’t know when you will know that enough is enough.  For now, we aren’t giving up hope completely.  Each day is different, though, and there are still a lot of them that are full of doubt and rejection and failure.  On those days, in the back of my mind, I worry that if we give up now, it will be just one step short of when we would be getting our baby.  How many “just one more time”s can we do?!  When is it time to say goodbye to your dream and begin dreaming of a new life path?

For now, I still haven’t listened to this song without crying.

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're struggling. It is so hard to trust in His plan for our life especially when it doesn't line up with what we want. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best on this next cycle. Hope He Makes your dreams come true. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Jessah! It definitely is hard to trust His plan sometimes. Recently, it's been a daily struggle. I'm working on it, though!

      I'm following you now and praying for your success!

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  2. That is one of the saddest songs. But it sounds like you just needed a way to grieve. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. We are very resilient creatures and I trust that you will eventually figure out your next step and be able to find peace with it, whatever it is.

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts, Kacy. I hope you are right! I need a little peace.

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  3. This post brought tears to my eyes. Over the last six years if this at times very painful journey I have had these moments. I have had days where I don't even talk to God because I feel like if I say anything it will release some dam in me that I won't be able to cork. And then when I m finally able to speak to Him I still have had so many angry conversations with Him. Honestly I think He wants us to be honest. He already knows what we are thinking and saying it out loud can be carthatic. Sometimes just acknowledging the hurt allows the healing. I realize this isn't that helpful in the moment but know that when you can't pray or just simply don't want to He is is still there waiting for you.

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    1. I think you're right, Allison. I think He would rather hear something than nothing. He does know how we are feeling and thinking, so might as well get it out there to Him. I've had a lot of angry conversations with God, and they definitely do help. I just have to continue to remember not to clam up. It's nice having people that understand this journey, too. I appreciate you!

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  4. I think your heart will know when it's time to stop trying. For some strange reason this is Mason's favorite song. He sings it all the time. When it comes on the radio he asked me to turn it up so he can sing :-)
    I use music too, to relate to different times in my life. I hope someday soon this song can be a distant memory of a difficult time that led to a precious miracle!

    Mandy

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    1. Unfortunately, these days, my heart sways back and forth on what we should do. Good thing we aren’t in a hurry to make a decision, huh?!

      Maybe I should come over and let Mason sing it to me. I get that would make me smile during it!

      I hope you’re right that it will all be a distant memory soon. I like to believe that, anyway.

      Thanks for thinking of me, Mandy! See you on Monday, I hope.

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