Say Something

I realized last week why I had stopped blogging this last month.  As I had said, I started several blog entries in my head during that time.  However, I never started putting any of them on paper.  This blog entry was a prominent one that I kept thinking about how to write.  It’s something I want to share, but I also don’t want to sound sacrilegious.  As you can see, I’m going to take my chances.

I don’t know if anyone else finds meaning in songs like I do.  Sometimes, they are really farfetched, but I don’t care.  If I find a new song that has any meaning to me, I just go with it.  I love connecting to music.

Almost 2 weeks after we found out IVF round 2 didn’t work, I spent the day in Broken Arrow at the plant I used to work.  At the end of the day, I talked to a fellow co-worker for about 30 minutes about what had happened with IVF and my broken heart.  I confessed to him that I was struggling with my faith because I felt as if God had forgotten about me.

On the way home, this song came on the radio.

*********************************************************

"Say Something"
by A Great Big World, featuring Christina Aguilera

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

*********************************************************

(Now, by no means had I given up on the fact that God exists, even if I’ve questioned it; I choose to live by the motto that I would rather live my life believing He exists and die to find out He doesn’t than to live my life believing He doesn’t exist and die to find out He does.)

I immediately began sobbing.  All I could think was that this was how I was feeling about God.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Small and irrelevant is how I was feeling God saw me…or didn’t.  I was feeling more confused and helpless and out of control than ever before.  All I wanted was to be able to fix all of this, and I thought that if I could ever find my way back into God’s graces, maybe things would start to become easier to handle, or at least understand.

For the next few days, I allowed myself to listen to this song on repeat and cry and cry and cry.  It started to become healing.

One night, Todd was asking if I had seen the song’s video.  I told myself that we were having a fun night, so I would watch it and not allow my mind to wander to thoughts of God, meaning I would end up in a mess of tears.  I just watched it and did a darn good job not thinking or crying.  However, when the video was over, I turned to look at Todd and found tears streaming down his face.  Within a matter of minutes, I was curled up in his chest in sobs.  I think the song held different meanings for us at the time, but he was feeling my pain the way I was feeling it.  Sometimes, the most unexpected cries are the ones that leave me with the most peace.  And the best cries come in the arms of the one that crawls into the valley with you.

Since then, I’ve been asking God a lot of questions.  I have started my search to figure out some answers I never had and some answers I didn’t realize I was looking for until recently.  Less importantly, I stopped listening to “Say Something.”  Although it had been healing at one point, I had decided I needed to do less crying and more surviving.

About a week ago, I wanted to hear the song, so I put it on repeat during one of my drives to work.  Without warning, the song changed meaning for me.  Now, when I hear it, I feel as if it’s how I feel about our unconceived child.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

There are some days that I start to wonder if we have reached the end of our road for this journey.  I still don’t know when you will know that enough is enough.  For now, we aren’t giving up hope completely.  Each day is different, though, and there are still a lot of them that are full of doubt and rejection and failure.  On those days, in the back of my mind, I worry that if we give up now, it will be just one step short of when we would be getting our baby.  How many “just one more time”s can we do?!  When is it time to say goodbye to your dream and begin dreaming of a new life path?

For now, I still haven’t listened to this song without crying.