Anyway, as I was saying, Todd went to see her…by himself. This was his first solo session, and I think it was a fabulous idea. When we were sharing some of the items they discussed, it seemed a prominent one was how you can travel down the path of infertility without letting it define you.
This is something I’ve thought about a lot since his appointment, but I’m afraid I’m no closer to an answer. Infertility is consuming. It’s pretty much in my head all of the time. I try to stay busy, but there is always my little Jiminy Cricket in the back of my head reminding me that we are still on this journey with no end in sight. I’m pretty sure that if you asked any of my friends or family what the first word that came to mind when asked about me was, it would be “infertility.” Yikes! I’m becoming “that” girl. The one saving grace in my opinion is that I don’t talk about it at work (even though it’s always on my mind), so there’s one group of people not constantly pitying me. J
Honestly, though, I don’t know how to change this. I feel like the more I talk about infertility, the more I heal. I enjoy being asked about it, so I can vent a little to someone new. It is a part of my life. It is a part of who I am. It is my main project at this time in my life. It is the thing holding us back from obtaining a major dream in our life.
However, I don’t want to become the multilevel marketing friend of infertility. You know the one I’m talking about. She’s the girl that you start to ignore calls and texts from because you know she’s going to invite you to the next Avon or It Works or Tupperware party she’s having. I was that girl (Arbonne and Nerium Recovering Salesperson), and I don’t want to be that girl with infertility. I don’t want my friends to dread seeing me for fear that all we will talk about is IVF.
I know I have control of my thoughts, so that makes me think that if I tried really hard, I could stop allowing this to define me. Is it that easy, though? Is it all I talk about? Is it defining me, though, or is it just defining this moment in my life? How do you know when enough is enough (of smothering your friends with your problems)? How do I make sure my friends and family don’t start to ignore me for fear that I will invite them to my next IVF-Pity-Party? Todd and I will have to work through these things together, but I would love any insight from those reading.
I do know one thing. I know that if I were to die today, how I would want to be remembered. We had this conversation with the kids, and Kaleb said he doesn’t want to be remembered as the guy that was just obsessed with cars. I think it’s great that he’s already thinking about that. As of this point in my life, I know this:
· I want to be remembered as the girl with the big heart for everyone.
· I want to be remembered for my compassion.
· I want to be remembered for my peacemaking and peacekeeping.
· I want to be remembered for my happiness and laugh and smile and joy that I bring to a room.
· I want to be remembered for being able to find a silver lining in any situation.
· I want to be remembered for the love I have for my friends and family, but most of all, my husband.
I think that’s how God would want me to be remembered, too. Therefore, I’ve decided to make this year, the year I work on my soul. I have set 5 resolutions for this year and only 1 will not help me with that goal:
· Learn to control my anxiety
· Be a better stepmother
· Build my faith
· Build relationships with couple friends
· Get organized - This one isn't for my soul, but it will help with my anxiety!!