That was the first time I realized that I wasn’t alone.
Over the last 4 ½ years, I have really grown. However, I’m not perfect. I have been told that I come across as strong, when my truth is that I feel weak more often than I feel strong.
Want to know some secrets?
· Sometimes, I cry in my car or in the bathroom at work or anywhere else that people can’t see me.
· I feel like several of my infertile friends have gotten pregnant and forgotten how hard this is. (Don’t be offended. I’m probably not talking about you.)
· I hide my true feelings from everyone except Todd.
· I’m terrified of facing this Mother’s Day without being a mother. It will be the fifth one since we started this journey, and each one gets more difficult.
· I try to hide my pain behind humor.
· Commercials with babies can still make me giggle, but I’m always wondering if I’ll ever hear that laugh in my house.
· Many days, I wake up feeling refreshed and strong, and somewhere along the day, something happens that knocks me back down into exhausted and weak.
· We have a plan. We almost always have a plan. However, although my plan may seem like a good one today, I might wake up tomorrow and completely doubt every step.
· I think about infertility literally every second of every day. I’ve said this before, but I think about the baby that I don’t have as much as my friends with newborns think about the baby they do have.
· It makes my stomach ache to think about how much money we have put into treatments. However, I can’t seem to stop.
· Sometimes, I love seeing and holding babies. Sometimes, the thought of a baby puts knots in my stomach and brings on the waterworks.
· On the tough days when I choose to lean on Todd, his calm demeanor can make me feel like he doesn’t hurt at all. (Sidebar: Our husbands hurt, too. They just hold themselves together for our sake. Don’t be fooled by his lack of emotion, sister. In all honesty, he deserves a cape.)
Those are just a few of my truths. I have many others that I could share but won’t for the sake of keeping this entry to a decent length.
The truth is, I evidently portray that I am strong. However, I still have moments when I feel weak and alone. I start to compare myself to others. I don’t know a lot of people that have faced their fifth IVF cycle with no insurance coverage. I don’t personally know anyone whose husband has had to go under the knife every time they try to get pregnant.
What I do know are way too many women that have desired to have a baby and have not been able to make it easily happen. All of them can relate to at least one of my secrets above. That is because I’m not actually alone. And you aren’t either.
Even on my lowest days, I struggle to reach out and ask for help. It’s at that time that I forget that I’m not alone.
No one deserves to be alone. We all deserve to have someone to talk to about this. We deserve to have a friend that truly understands.
My final truth: My Lord is my strength.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are reading my blog, you know someone who suffers from the disease of infertility. (It is considered a disease.) Actually, you probably know more than one person who suffers from it. Did you realize that 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility?! Please, take time to help spread awareness of this disease that causes so many men and women to suffer alone: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html
If you don't enjoy Internet research, I can tell you all about infertility. J
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