Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Making of Wonder Woman

The first couple of days after we received the news that this cycle didn’t work, I was in shock.  I was sad, and I mean really sad.  I felt broken.

Sometime this weekend, those feelings changed to hopelessness.  I officially had reached a point where I thought things may never be okay, again with this particular situation.  I have had this same feeling in about a handful of situations in my life.  That doesn’t make this any easier to handle.  Each one of them have been different.

The major problem is that no matter what anyone says, we may never be able to have a baby.  That is a fact.  We will do whatever we can to make one or adopt one, but that doesn’t guarantee it will happen.  (My mom even told me that she’s pretty convincing, so she’ll make sure we get a baby.  This made me laugh.  For anyone that knows my mother, you know this is pretty spot-on.)  The truth is, though, it might not happen.  This is one of the hardest realizations to which we have come.  It disappoints Todd as much as it does me.  This thought took away all of my hope.  I started wondering if I would ever be able to enjoy normal social situations again without that constant twinge of jealousy.

Anyway, last night, I had another turning point.  I went to my monthly Bunco group even though I really did not want to attend.  I was afraid I was going to cry the entire night and make everyone very uncomfortable.  I wanted to stay home and sulk.  However, with Todd gone on business this week, I was afraid I may not come out of the pity party in time to go to work this morning.  I decided to go and make the most of the evening, knowing that I could leave anytime I wanted and these ladies would understand.  It turned out much better than I had even hoped.  As we usually do, we ate, played Bunco, exchanged Christmas gifts, made lots of jokes and laughed, and even shared a few tears at the end of the night.  I left my group of friends last night knowing that someday, I was going to be okay, again.  I had renewed hope…not in the baby-gettin’ process, but in my future with or without a child.  I have a girlfriend that tells me often how strong I am.  I’ve never felt particularly strong.  I definitely don’t feel strong right now.  However, I know that someday, I will be.  I’m pretty sure this is the type of journey that turns you into Wonder Woman – gold wristbands and all!

I read this quote today on a new blog that I’ve never read before:
“Look, here is me, here are my scars, and I’m ok.  And it’s ok to be not ok.  Into every life, a little ‘not ok’ must fall.  But I got up.  I learned to walk.  Then to thrive.  Then to be fully alive.  And if I can come out on the other side with grace, then anyone can.”http://www.princessburlap.com/

I know that’s where I’m headed.  I’m not saying I won’t still have moments when I start crying for no reason.  Our therapist, Maribeth, told us that you feel things in 1/32 of a second.  If you don’t know how quick that is, time how long it takes you to blink, and divide it by 4.  I’m just guessing, but it’s stinkin’ fast.  Basically, what that means to me is that my feelings are going to come when I least expect them and quicker than I can control them.  It’s okay to feel them, though, because each day and each get-together with my friends and each back scratch from my mom and each hug from someone and each tear wiped away by my husband will be one moment closer to feeling okay, again.

I do have a great support group, and I love each and every one of you very much!!  Just know that I’m sorry if I cry and make you feel uncomfortable.  You’ll get over it, though.  J  I’m kidding.  Just hug me and tell me you’re sorry.  That’s all anyone can do right now.

16 comments:

  1. HUG!!! And I'm sorry.....truly, so sorry! You are strong and you will come out of this...but for now it freaking sucks!

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    1. Thanks, Sarah. I can see the light at the tunnel a little more each day. You’re right, though…for now, it sucks super bad!! I appreciate you so much, though!

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  2. Laura, if you need to cry or get mad or whatever you need to do, just call me. No apologies. I know one of the worst things that can happen when you are hurting is for people to just not talk about it or avoid you. I love you guys - and I do know you are incredibly strong and you will find your happiness.

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    1. Thanks, Carri! You’ve been a huge support for us through all of this. Thanks for paving the way, so we would have you to lean on. We love all 4 of you very, very much!!!

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  3. This post is really wonderful. Truly deeply wonderful. :) While I may cry with you, there is joy in the sad tears as well - joy that I have you in my life and that I can walk this road with you and try to be there to support you.

    Love you,
    Ash

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    1. I agree, Ashleigh. Right now, our relationship is bitter-sweet...with me bringing the bitter, and you bringing the sweet. :-) I know that in the future, though, it will go back to just being sweet. Love you, too!!

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  4. Sending you a virtual hug! I am loving Isaiah 66:9 right now. Hang in there, wonder woman!

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    1. Thanks, Chelsea! Accepting your virtual hug and sending one right back. :-) I love that you called me Wonder Woman. Today, I got my cape. ;-)

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  5. You are a Wonder Woman! You will find strength you never knew you had. Hang in there! It's perfectly fine to "not be OK" yet. Little by little, you will be. Praying for you everyday!

    Mandy

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    1. Thanks, Mandy! I appreciate your love and support. You’re a good friend.

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  6. I think I am still in that denial phase because we technically aren't going to start this process for a few months. Sometimes the thought whispers over my shoulder when I'm alone in the dark, "You may spend a lot of time and money and be left with no baby, just a lot of debt and a broken heart". But then I shake my head and it fades like morning fog. That is the cold, hard truth though. I just keep thinking "No, that's not even possible. Not even an option." But reading your words, man, you ARE Super Woman. You've been through the ringer with this and you're still walking.
    It's not over yet. But you are strong and you inspire me.

    Your gold wristbands are in the mail.

    I'm really glad I came to check out where this unfamiliar traffic was coming from. And thank you for quoting me up there by the way. I was so touched, I took a screen shot and sent it to my parents. "Look Mom and Dad, I got QUOTED!"

    Yes I'm five. Most people find it endearing ;)

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    1. Holy mackerel!! You just blew my mind.

      I was working on the production floor at work, doing a time study, listening to Jason Mraz, and doing my step together-step together with a little hip sway (yes, I was dancing at work) when I decided to check my email. When I saw an email from “Princess Burlap,” my heart began to flutter. Then, I read it, and you had me in tears. I went from dancing at work to tears. I’m definitely the crazy woman around here, now, and I’m totally stoked about it because it means I got a comment from Princess Burlap. A.W.E.S.O.M.E!!

      I know how you’re feeling right now. Obviously, I don’t know exactly because we never feel things the same way, but I can remember being in that place. Even now, I worry, contemplate, and analyze another cycle. Sometimes, I think my worries are what keep me from getting pregnant. I try so hard to chill out and relax, but it’s just not that easy for me.

      I do wish you and Mr. PB all of the best of luck. I plan to continue reading your blog. I think you’re an extremely talented writer. (By the way, I found you from Jenny Lawson’s blog. That’s pretty amazing to get spotlighted by a NYT Best Seller.)

      I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you coming by and commenting, though. I’m truly astounded and flabbergasted and honored and giddy and so many other things that I could add to make this run-on sentence even longer. I received a comment from a real blogger! So cool. Talk about being five. That’s how I feel right now thanks to your sweet comment!

      Just remember that through your entire journey, I’ll be reading and supporting you. You’re not alone in this!

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  7. I just discovered your blog and I loved reading it! I came across while looking some stuff about Dr. Bundren, he is my doctor as well. And I love your comments about Mary Kathryn! And I am so sorry. I can relate a little bit to what you are feeling, though my husband and I haven't been through the ringer quite like you have. It's inspiring to see that I could end up going through more of this infertility crap, but that I'll be okay no matter what happens. And you already are Wonder Woman, anyone who can share their feelings to the whole world like you do is pretty courageous!

    1stcomesloveblog.wordpress.com

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    1. Yay! I love new readers. I think it's so fun to meet new people through this blog...especially those that understand what I'm going through.

      First of all, I want to make sure and preface that I think Dr. Bundren is an amazing doctor!! I, also, think Mary Kathryn is pretty wonderful. All of that is said because I don't ever want anyone to think I am trying to pull business away from Dr. Bundren because of their inability to return phone calls in a timely manner or their inability make me preggers. :) I do think they are awesome, and I do think you are in wonderful hands!!!

      I can't wait to go read your blog and see where you are in this process. I hope we can become great blog friends that can lean on each other for support and general happy thoughts! :)

      Thank you for saying I'm courageous. Most days, I feel like a pretty big wimp, but words like those encourage me. You're awesome!

      Looking forward to getting to know you better!

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  8. I was looking around at all your posts in hopes of seeing any breakdown of how much it costs to do IVF with Dr. Bundren. Is that on any of your posts?

    -Kacy
    1stcomesloveblog.wordpress.com

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    1. Absolutely! I haven't written an updated post with the last cycle's costs because I keep waiting for a final bill to arrive. However, this is what we paid for the first cycle:
      http://makingmoviesjealous.blogspot.com/2013/10/honey-did-you-remember-to-water-money.html

      Keep in mind that some of the charges will be different if your husband doesn't require MESA, and/or you don't require ICSI. Let me know if you have more questions about that. I can give you ALL of the information I have. I try to keep impeccable notes. :)

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