10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. ~Stephen Covey
My pastor’s sermon on Sunday really spoke to my heart. It was the first of a five-part series called #struggles. It’s all about how to keep God the center of your life in a selfie-centered world. J Catchy, huh?
Anyway, Sunday was about envy. As church was getting started, I glanced at the outline in my hand and boastfully thought, “I do a pretty good job of not envying others.” After all, I have a fabulous husband, great kids, supportive family, loving friends, and stable financial status. For the most part, I like my job, and Todd loves his. Our home is warm and cozy and bigger than what we currently need. We are able to take our 2 vacations each year that we enjoy so much. I am overall very content in my life.
Then, Craig Groeschel reached through the screen and said to me, “Hey, Laura. Have you ever said, ‘Ugh, if I have to see one more baby announcement on Facebook, I’m cancelling my account?’” [That’s obviously slightly paraphrased, so I probably shouldn’t use quotations. However, I like the sentence, so sue me. J] It was almost as if he had slapped me in the face.
I sat and listened and wondered if I was envying my friends that were getting pregnant all around me. (Seriously, when I say “all around me,” I’m not exaggerating. I even called my mom several weeks ago to make sure she wasn’t pregnant because I was starting to feel as if literally every woman besides me was having success at this.) Craig said, “Celebrating with someone will purify your heart.” Anytime I have a friend announce their new pregnancy, my gut reaction is to congratulate them. However, I began to wonder if I was being sincere.
And I took a trip down memory lane.
I remembered the first pregnancy announcement that really hit to my core. My friend, Betty, was one of three of us (our friends, Amber and Brad, being the third couple) that did an IVF cycle together last May (our first, her first, Amber’s second). Betty was the only three of us that got pregnant that cycle. I remembered being happy for her, but at the same time, I was so envious. I wanted what she had. Her entire pregnancy was difficult for me as I longed to be hitting each of the same milestones with her…first ultrasound, second trimester, moving from Dr. Bundren to an OBGYN, decorating a nursery, third trimester…you know the drill. I asked Betty about every step of the way and congratulated her as everything occurred. Was I sincere, though?
Then, another friend had a successful IVF cycle in which she shared the news with me on Christmas Eve. Hardest Christmas Eve to date. My emotions were raw. I was heartbroken over a newly second failed IVF cycle. I still rejoiced with her, but was I really sincere?
Envy is resenting God’s goodness in other’s lives and ignoring his goodness in your life. ~Craig Groeschel
Then, it was my cousin’s turn to share her good news. This was the most bitter-sweet of all of them because I had fully planned for the two of us to be sharing our pregnancy news to our family together. I still remember the day she called. I was ecstatic, and I remember that I was sincere. I also remember crying deeply in my husband’s chest after I hung up the phone.
It was at that point that I made the decision that I would not ruin anyone’s pregnancy fun and memories with my sadness.
For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast. ~ Proverbs 15:15
Soon after, one of my best friends from college, Tiffany, called to say she was also pregnant. The tides started to shift, though, because I know I was truly, sublimely happy for her.
Since then, I have thrown a baby shower for my cousin, watched many friends and acquaintances give birth, and rejoiced in two more long-awaited pregnancies of my dear friends, Amber and Mandy.
I can honestly say that I am finally living out God’s will for my life. I am celebrating the pregnancies of those around me. I am celebrating in the hope that I will be a mommy soon, too. I am celebrating that God has taught me so any awesome lessons in the last 3 ½ years. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.
…I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation… I can do all this through [Christ] who gives me strength. ~Philippians 4:12-13
I’m confused. J
On Wednesday, I had 5 follicles on my left and 3 on my right.
On Friday, I had 5 follicles on my left and 5 follicles on my right.
On Sunday, I had 4 follicles on my left and 4 follicles on my right.
Today, I have 4 follicles on my right and 5 follicles on my left.
I don’t know where those follicles went from Friday. Either Dr. McKinney missed them on Sunday, or they regressed. Then, another one popped back up today. Whatever. I have NINE that are above 10mm with 6 of them very close to the same size, and I’m content with that.
Mom went with me to my ultrasound on Sunday, so Todd could go start teaching our Jungle Cats at church. I was grateful to have her there for the extra set of ears. Dr. McKinney was the on-call doctor for the weekend, so she had a little talk with us. The goal is to get the follicles above 16mm, or she won’t retrieve from them. She prefers they are between 18-20mm for retrieval. As we get closer to the end of the week, she will decide how much further we can let the large ones grow in order to give the smaller ones a better chance to be “retrievable.” My ears heard that we will be retrieving either Friday or Saturday. My trusty second-set-of-ears from Mom heard that we will be retrieving either Saturday or Sunday. All of it is a guess, so who knows at this point.
As of this morning, though, the retrieval date has been tentatively set for Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. We are just waiting for those follicles to hit their magic numbers…and hopefully not go over!
My endometrial lining and estrogen (estradiol/E2) are still increasing, which is good. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s good. J (Do you like how I’ve stopped researching things like I did in my first 2 cycles?)
All I can say is that I am finally starting to feel my ovaries…or my mind is playing tricks on me. I feel like I pinch them when I bend over. I feel like I smoosh them when I lay on my side or stomach. I’m kind of loving this. It’s nice to have a physical feeling to reiterate the numbers the doctor gives you.
Shots are still the same. Except there are visibly noticeable needle holes and multiple bruises on both legs. I don’t remember my legs looking like this last time.
Best line of the weekend:
Laura – “I’m starting to look like a pin cushion with all of these needle holes and bruises.”
Todd – “No, you’re not. Pin cushions don’t look that bad.”
I go back in on Thursday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Fingers crossed that they say we can trigger that night because we are about to run out of Follistim, which is also known as Liquid Gold in Infertility World.
Thirty-two, 32, treinta y dos, trente-deux, sanjuuni, 三十二 shots in the last 11 days. (Anyone else know that I speak 5 different languages? J) (For the record, there have been more than 32 pricks given to me by yours truly because some of the Follistim shots have been from 2 different vials. I'm becoming a master.)
Shot Counter:Saturday, 8/30/14:
1) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
2) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
3) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
4) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
5) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
6) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
7) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
8) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
9) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
10) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
11) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
12) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
13) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
14) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
15) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
16) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
17) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
18) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
19) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
20) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
21) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
22) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
23) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
24) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
25) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
26) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
27) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
28) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
29) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
30) Follistim 225 units, in the p.m.
31) Follistim 225 units, in the a.m.
32) Menopur 75 IU, in the a.m.
Can anyone tell me why the spacing on my blog entries looks so funny? I don't know why it can't all look like it did in Word before I copied it over here. This is driving me nuts!