And just like that, it’s cancelled…

After our first cycle failed, my good friend, Ashleigh, sent me this poem that she had started reciting for me before we received the news:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord their souls to keep
And if they should die before she wakes
I pray thee Lord their souls to take
And if they should live for other days
I pray the Lord will guide their ways.

This was one of those messages from a friend that just about took you to your knees.  I cried.  Todd cried.

I don’t know if I have thought about this prayer since that week.  It’s not because I didn't love it because it’s one of the most amazing combinations of simple words that I have ever heard.

For some reason, I thought about it today.  I was headed home from work to be with Todd, and it came to my mind.  I already knew the fate of our two embabies, but I still needed to rest assured that I had asked God to care for their sweet souls for us.

This day was perfectly planned.  I was going to go to work for a couple of hours.  Then, I was going to go have an acupuncture session because there are some studies that show…yada, yada, yada.  I would run by the house, wash my face of make-up (none allowed in the operating room at TFC), hop in the car with Todd, change clothes on the way, and arrive at TFC for our 12:15 “transfer talk” with Dr. McKinney.  Transfer would start at 1pm…and hopefully no later because I was nervous about having to hold a full bladder for very long.

God had a different plan.

One the way to work, "Say Something" came on my radio, and I hesitantly listened.  At the end of the song, I realized that it didn't give me the awful, drowning, "our dream is ending" feeling that it used to give me.  I actually thought to myself how much I have grown in the last 9 months.  (Ironic that it's been 9 months.)

Right around 9am, I was doing a happy dance with two coworkers because I was getting “knocked up” today.  (It’s funnier to say it that way.)  So, there we were celebrating when my phone began to vibrate.  When I saw it was Dr. McKinney’s office, I immediately assumed they had forgotten to tell us something.  When I answered and heard Dr. McKinney’s voice, I immediately assumed that this wasn't going to end well.

Embaby 2.0 had stopped dividing.  Basically, he had discontinued growing, which is what they call “arresting.”  Embaby 3.0 had more than 50% abnormal chromosomes.  She began reading off everything that was wrong with him, and I started to wonder if there was anything that was okay with him.

She continued with a lot of statistics about how 70-80% of all embryos are chromosomally abnormal, and I began wondering where they come up with these statistics.  If one couple has 70% abnormal chromosomes, and another couple has 80% abnormal chromosomes, on average, 75% of chromosomes are abnormal, right?  Why would they say 70-80%?  It’s just such a strange way to put it.  Then, I realized that I was analyzing something ridiculous.  This is what my brain does, though.  When scared, flee towards the numbers.  (I’m an Engineer.  You can’t blame me.)

The bottom line is that I have always hated statistics because it’s not mathematics…it’s too grey.  Today, I realized a new level of hatred that I have towards it.

I was telling Todd last night that I really thought this was going to be the cycle to round everything out.  We have now had 6, 9, and 12 eggs retrieved (not in that order).  In the same order of cycles, though, we had 1, 2, and 3 eggs transferred (if we had made it to transfer today).  "Third time is the charm."  I think there were some other silly things, but I wanted this to be it.

We have now had a cycle end with a chemical pregnancy (miscarriage), one with no implantation, and one with no transfer.  I think we have covered the main categories except full-term, viable pregnancy.  Am I right?!

That being said, Todd and I are doing fine.  We had planned to spend the last half of our day cuddled up on the couch watching funny TV shows/movies/comedians…whatever we could find that would make us laugh.  Oddly enough, we are going to spend the last half of our day doing just that, plus maybe a glass of wine and some sushi.

It seems that we are getting better at having failed cycles.  And it kind of sucks.

Oh, and Embaby 3.0 was a little girl.