My Stupid Imagination

Two blog entries in one day?!  In the defense of myself and proof that “I do actually work,” I would like to mention that I wrote the first one yesterday and just didn’t get to tweak it for publishing until today.  This one was all today, though.

I have a friend from college named Ashleigh.  She has made an appearance on my blog since sometime before my first IVF cycle last May.  She usually leaves comments that will blow your socks off with kindness, creativity, humor, or a combination of all three.

Well, today we were emailing, and she got me off on a tangent that was almost like an epiphany for me.  I knew I was having a problem with this issue, but I was unable to put it into words until that moment.  For the sake of my sanity and my clarity, I want to admit this on my blog, to all 10 of my faithful blog followers.  J  (Crud, since Ashleigh already read this in an email, this is only an admission to nine of you.  Oh, well.)

So here it is.

I’m struggling to imagine that this cycle is going to work, now.  And it’s breaking.my.heart!!

I know we aren’t out, but we’ve been here before.  In the past, it hasn’t led to pregnancy.  That doesn’t mean this one won’t, though, and I know that.  I want to start imagining that I’m going to get pregnant.

The part that kills me is that I have such a good imagination usually.  I can actually play out an entire scenario in my head.  For instance, I have daydreamed about losing a loved one.  (Really more like a “daymare” than a daydream, but I don’t think that’s a word.)  I can actually envision all of it happening to the point that I have emotional pain from it.

However, for the life of me, I can’t get my brain to imagine this cycle working.  It’s like I’m trying so hard that my brain is being defiant.  It sucks.  I just want to have all of the happy dreams in my head to go along with the happiness I’m showing on the outside. 

I do have 100% complete faith that God has control of this and will do what’s best for me.  However, I’m just struggling to imagine it will be in this cycle.

I haven’t completely given up.  I’m not throwing in the towel.  I’ve starting praying that God will allow me to imagine success at the end of this week.

I’m trying really, really hard to just keep it together today.  I’m at that point in this process where I am so sick and tired of spending minutes or hours or days upset over this stuff.  I think it’s obvious that mourning is necessary and healing.  However, it can also be mind-numbing and all-consuming.  I need a break from it, so I have made the conscious effort to find the happiness in all of this.  The problem is that about every hour or so, I have to find the happiness, again.

I’ll keep doing it, though.  I need to.  I want to.  I want this to be a happy experience, even if the outcome is not what we had hoped.  Being happy and positive is more fun for me.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get my imagination on board.

 

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On a side note, Mom and I talked today after I received another message from a different college friend, Casey.  We decided this was going to be our new tagline for our baby.  Casey told me that our pastor uses this, and she does with her miracle baby, too. 

"When God decided to create you, he said, 'Watch this.  I'm really going to show off now!'"