Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Yesterday was what we lovingly call our WTH appointment. It’s the appointment where the doctor reviews the cycle with you to see what went wrong and tell you their suggestion for moving forward. This was our fifth WTH appointment. So far, they are all the same.
“Well, it looks like the embryos just weren’t a good enough quality to survive. I’m not really sure what caused that, if it was the egg or the sperm. We can try another round with your eggs and sperm, but I would suggest starting to think about using donors.”
We always go into these appointments hoping that the doctor will say this is what caused the failure and this is what you should do next. They never do. The only silver lining to this appointment is that none of the doctors charge for it.
Tomorrow, we will meet with Dr. McKinney (IVF cycles 3 & 4) to see if we can get her to be more decisive on a next step. I have my fingers crossed that she will give us a solid medical opinion.
The problem is that I don’t believe there is a solid medical opinion to be had. These doctors have no idea what will work. What works for patient A does not always work for patient B even if their numbers are all the same. Plus, none of these doctors love telling their patients that they are going to need to fork over thousands of more dollars for what is basically an experimental treatment.
Honestly? It’s fine, though. Miracles happen. I believe in a God that could make me pregnant in any way he wishes. I still struggle with worrying about these decisions we are facing, though. I worry that I will not be comfortable with giving up on my biology. (I know that everyone says you will never look back once you decide to use donors. However, that’s really only something that someone who has actually decided to use a donor understands. Stepping off that ledge still isn’t easy.) As for the worry, I make a daily effort…sometimes multiple times each day…to give my worries over to God. I know He can handle this. I know He will handle this. I know that my future will not look at all as I had dreamt because my present is already drastically different than my dreams. However, I know that He will take care of us.
Thank you, God, for being omnipotent.