Change of plans. Peaceful is not going to be my goal this round. Yesterday, I left work to head to my suppression check. I have almost an hour drive to Dr. Bundren’s office from here, and I cried almost the entire hour. It was as if the reality of the situation was finally setting in for me. Then, I got to Dr. Bundren’s office and saw Todd; the tears started all over again. Within a few minutes, Esther, the oh-so-sweet receptionist, came out to the waiting room and gave me a big hug. She then asked if I wanted to go in the back for more privacy. (Todd and I joked later that they moved us, so I wouldn’t scare off the other patients coming and going through the front office.) Anyway, both Esther and Claudia (whom I find to be a little insensitive – she’s the nurse that gave me the news last cycle that my hCG levels were low) were very kind and patient. They let us sit in an exam room and just cry it out. I felt like I couldn’t control my emotions.
Finally, it was time to see Mary Kathryn and Dr. Bundren…and Wandy. They came in and informed us that they knew we weren’t all smiles today. We did the exam, and my ovaries looked good and “quiet”. Basically, this just meant we are ready to order our meds and start shots on Sunday. Then, they spent about 30 minutes just sitting and answering all of our questions. It was nice because you don’t always get that much time with Dr. Bundren. Plus, he had an office full of interns yesterday, and he didn’t bring one of them inside the exam room. I felt a little better just because of that.
Then, last night, I went and saw one of our favorite people in the whole world, Dr. Maribeth Blunt. Todd and I started seeing her almost 2 years ago. She’s a therapist. By the way, we are huge believers in talk therapy. It works, it works, it works! Anyway, we started seeing her to help us become an even stronger blended family. Then, we learned we would be going through IVF, so we just put her on retainer. J I called her yesterday afternoon, and as always, she promptly set an appointment with me. Maribeth informed me that it was time to change my MO. Last cycle, I worked on remaining calm and relaxed and euphoric and zen. However, this time, I’m just not feeling it. I keep trying to force myself into those moods because I think that’s how I’m supposed to feel, but it’s not really how I’m feeling; I’m angry. Suffering from infertility is stressful and frustrating and painful and angering. (Is that a word?) Having a failed round of infertility treatments just emphasizes those feelings. Here’s what I learned in my session with Maribeth:
· I’m not okay with the last cycle not working.
· I’m not okay with not being able to get pregnant naturally.
· I’m not okay with having to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to try procedures that may or may not ever work.
· I’m not okay with infertility.
· I’m angry, and it’s time to act like I’m angry and deal with it the right way.
· I need to be honest with God.
· I need to start yelling. She told me to yell at God but never at Todd. (I liked that because it rhymed.) God can take it. He already knows how I feel, and He would appreciate if I was just honest with Him and laid it all on the line.
· I need to yell and cry until I’m out of energy.
· And then, I need to laugh. And laugh some more.
This is the new plan. Peace is out the window. I think that if I can just allow myself to feel and get it out the right way, I’ll find peace. However, it won’t be a forced peace. This doesn’t mean I won’t still get a few massages and possibly attempt some meditation or yoga. My main focus is going to be laughing. However, when I need to cry, I’m going to let it all out as loud as I need. I do have plenty of time for that on my drives to and from work, now.
My cousin, Bradette, reminded me of this scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, Steel Magnolias. I’ve watched it a dozen times today, and it makes me cry and laugh every time. Man, I love Sally Field!
So when I got home last night, I started my collection of laugh-provoking material. Of course, I turned to the clever and hilarious wordsmith, the author of “Sticky Things”(from our first cycle of when we were thinking sticky thoughts for the embabies to stick), Mrs. Ashleigh. She’s my beloved, kindred spirit that I knew in college and thank God for her daily, now. She gave me two book titles that I immediately bought on Amazon (Let’s Just Pretend This Never Happened, by Jenny Lawson and Mercury Falls, by Robert Kroese). I know they’ll be sending me into the fits of laughter I need in no time. (If any of my readers have any other suggestions for how they find laughter in life, please share. I need an entire assortment of ideas. I already have 48 episodes of Ellen taped, so I’ve got that covered!)
All in all, yesterday was a tough day, but I learned that it was time to reroute my path for this cycle. For the first time since June, I’m starting to feel like I’m getting back on the right path. As always, thank you, Dr. Maribeth Blunt. You are literally, and I do mean literally, the best!
By the way, Hawaii was amazing! I'll try to post a few pictures before the IVF entries take back over.